So many of you have been following my health journey for sometime now…you’ve covered me with encouragement, support and prayer and celebrated my wins and victories with me. And I want to thank you so much!! It’s an honor to get to share my story and to hopefully be an encouragement as well…because we are all in this together! We all have struggles, heartache and pain, and while we don’t always get to see the “why” in our hard places, I’ve found that finding purpose in the midst of it is how we can keep putting one foot in front of the other with a smile on our face and true joy in our soul.

I recently started following an artist on Instagram and the first line in her bio says “All my victories belong to God” which I am totally stealing! The purpose I’ve found in the midst of even the deepest pain is that I can shine just by showing the strength that God pours into my life. And all it takes is the smallest bit of light to make darkness disappear. If sharing my story – the highs and the lows – can be that little bit of light for someone else…it makes it all worth it.

My victories are his victories!

And every time I get to create beautiful spreads of food it is a reflection of Gods faithfulness in my life…because I am standing on two feet…let alone cooking professionally…only because of his grace over my life, his strength that gets me through even the very hardest days and the healing he’s done and is doing in this body of mine that so often feels so broken, yet in him is whole. So how could I not give him the victory!!

Today marks 7 months since I had my skull base fused to C2, and I have a story that I hope will encourage you…especially those of you who fight for each step forward, often just to take two steps back. This surgery was by far the biggest, riskiest and potentially most life-altering of all the 9 surgeries I’ve had. But I’ve written about how when I finally had to make the terrifying decision to have that surgery, God replaced my fear with unexplainable peace. And my record healing afterwards, how quickly I was back on my feet cooking and that I was even still able to move my neck enough to cook without difficulty…was all truly miraculous! A few months after surgery I started to have times that I felt better and more like my old self than I had in many, many years, and I started opening myself back up to possibility again…and I let myself start to dream again. Which may not seem like a big deal…but for me it was huge.

7 years ago I got Lyme disease which caused a rapid breakdown of my already weak connective tissue and brought on severe and debilitating pain and neurological issues. The sicker I got, the more of my life, activities, dreams, goals and aspirations I had to let go of – piece by piece – until for a long time my existence was just putting one foot in front of the other each day. At first those days were extremely difficult and dark. But bit by bit, I started to see all the good things that God was bringing about, how much beauty was woven through the pain and how much I still had to be grateful for, even on the very worst of days. Focusing on the good and all I had to be grateful for each day changed everything, as did celebrating even the smallest wins.

Part of the peace I had over this surgery was because I believe with every part of me that God wants us to have abundant lives, but that we can’t get there by sitting on the sidelines. We have to take steps…or sometimes leaps of faith, and I believed this surgery was a jump off the deep end that God was going to use to help give me my health and life back.

A few months ago the progress I’d been making came to a halt and the pain over the hunk of metal and 12 screws in my neck started progressively getting worse, as did a bunch of other symptoms, and it really knocked the wind out of me. Every day I’d reach a point where I wanted to give up. It was a physical battle for sure, but a spiritual one even more. I was losing hope and I was wrestling with why this was happening. I also didn’t understand why it suddenly seamed like I had lost my ability to cope with pain, especially when after 20 years of constant pain this wasn’t nearly as bad as it’s been. It finally occurred to me why it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. The relatively good days that had led me to start dreaming again of all the possibilities ahead of me, set me up for crushing disappointment when the pain returned. When I realized this my first thought was what a huge mistake it had been to dream again. I’ve found so much joy and contentment in the small things…why’d I have to go chasing rainbows!! I thought the answer was just going back to practicing gratitude for what each day holds and contentment for where I am. And those are both important things to do! But not all the things.

Recently one morning over a cup of coffee I read this verse from Lamentations…and quite fitting as my own laments were swirling in my mind…

“Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’”

Lamentations 3:21-24

Any time a verse starts with yet, but, however or the like, you know it’s going to be good! There is so much packed into those few lines and it spoke to my soul so deeply. Daring to hope is essentially what it is to dream of possibilities. And this is a good thing! But I realized that I was basing those dreams for my future on my own strength and ability instead of the strength God fills me with each new day. One of the biggest truths I’ve found through these years of battling with my health is that in his mercy God ALWAYS gives me the strength I need for the day, replacing my weakness with his strength, my grit with his grace. But I have to come to him, surrendering what I think is the best plan, and give him the reigns instead. I’ve seen WAY too much of Gods love, goodness and faithfulness not to trust that he knows what’s best for me. And what a beautiful exchange it is…my pain, my grief, my longings, my discouragement, my fear…for Gods outstretched hands offering strength, peace, joy, hope, abundance!

I spent the past week in California working with a really amazing doctor who is incredibly knowledgeable about the conditions I’m dealing with and so compassionate in her approach to care. It’s a marathon not a sprint, but I have a really promising treatment plan to start on and renewed hope that layer by layer we will get there! I got to walk on the beach every morning and evening and the intense wind made for some huge waves and great surf. As a teenager I thought my true calling was to live the surfer life on a beach in California, and I jumped at every chance I had to go surfing! But like many things, I thought my surfing days were long gone. Those beach walks were awesome in the truest sense of that word. There is something truly awe-inspiring about standing in the sand right in front of huge breaking waves…the thunderous crash, the sea spray hitting your skin and the pull of the ocean as it recedes. Being in awe has the profound ability to pull us out of being inwardly focused and into something bigger than ourself. And standing there facing those waves made me so in awe of God…a God who even the wind and waves obey!

As I took those walks, I slowly found myself picturing being out in those waves, bracing the cold water, ducking through the break, paddling out to the calm and then riding them back in. And I realized that I was letting myself dream again. And I was ok with that! Because this time my dreams weren’t dependent on my own ability to live them out. The highs and lows in my life don’t at all change who God is or his ability to make anything happen! Trust and surrender changes everything.

On my way out to California, what should have taken 7 hours ended up taking 37 hours, with a cancelled flight, rebooked flight, delayed flight and unexpected overnight. But instead of it being a disaster, I befriended two of the nicest people in the American Airlines assistance line while waiting to get a hotel voucher, we stuck together through a late night taxi ride to a hotel in the next state and then back to the airport the next day only for more delays…and we laughed the whole time! One of them owns a surf shop in Dana Point and offered to give me a paddle board to take out if I came to her shop. Friday I had a free day before heading back home and decided to take her up on her offer. I had my usual pain, yes, but I also had a spring in my step and renewed hope in my heart. Before setting out, I said one of my favorite verses from Ephesians as a prayer…

“Now unto him who is able to do immeasurably more than we could ask, think or imagine, to him be glory in the earth, and glory in my life.”

Ephesians 3:20

And then I set out.

When I met Carrie at the shop she said that I could take a paddle board but someone would need to drive me down to the beach in their van, or a soft top surfboard would fit onto my rental car. And as I didn’t want to be an inconvenience…I said I’d take the surfboard…and then was immediately both exhilarated and terrified! Just getting the surfboard strapped onto my car was a whole process and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get it off and back on all by myself down at the beach. But there was no turning back! I kept thinking of this quote by J.P. Morgan that I have written on my office wall…

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.”

J.P. Morgan

The wetsuit fit like a glove, I managed to get the surfboard down off the car and then I went and did just what I had stood on the beach all those days dreaming of. Plunging into the cold, through the breaking waves, padding out to the calm, and then riding back in. And there is nothing like that feeling of catching a wave and riding it! I was very cautious and careful, and as it had been 16 years since I’d been on a surfboard I had zero expectations. My only goal was to listen to my body, not push too hard and not do anything to hurt myself! I mainly stayed on my belly and road the waves cobra style. One time I got into a low squat…so not breaking any records here…but I got my sea legs back! I’ll be thinking of this day for a long time and it planted another seed of hope for more fulfilled dreams to come. And more than anything, it again left me in awe – in awe of how far God has brought me and in awe of just how faithful he is.

I wrote this when I got back on my yoga mat a few weeks after my last cervical fusion… “Every day we have a choice – we can let yesterdays struggles, limitations and pain define us and determine the actions we take, or we can choose to start anew, noticing the way our body is speaking to us and what it’s asking for, listening to the thoughts swirling in our mind and what needs to be set free or reigned in. We can choose to focus on the good, focus not on our limitations but on what we CAN do. Limitations will always be there – on my mat and in my day to day life. But I’m choosing to embrace each day for what it holds, knowing God will give me the strength I need for THAT day.”

When I opened up my Instagram the next morning there was a photo of ocean waves and this quote by Maria Shriver…

“We must continue to jump into the water, make waves, and create ripples of hope and change. Nothing gets accomplished by standing on the shore and watching from a distance.”

Maria Shriver

I mean c’mon!! Yes…absolutely…we need to practice gratitude for ALL there is to be grateful for each day. To find beauty and contentment in the smallest of things and to be joyful in living out our purpose. And YET we need to dare to hope. No matter what you are facing today there is a reason to hope! Absolutely nothing is impossible with God and he is holding out his hands, ready to ride life’s waves with you and fill you with the strength you need for this day!

“Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord

I’ve got so much to be grateful for

I’ve got breath in this body

And hope in these scars

If I counted my blessings they’d rival the stars

I’ll praise you forevermore even if I never get one more

Praise the Lord”

Brandon Lake, Country Psalm

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