“So this is Christmas, and what have you done, another year over, and a new one just begun…” (John Lennon)

And just like that, Christmas is here again… this year went by frighteningly fast! The festive trees, twinkling lights, carols and good cheer make this season pretty magical, but with the familiar sights and sounds I can’t help but compare this year to last, and others years past. Last December I was three months out from major surgery fusing my skull base and neck, and experiencing a truly miraculous recovery. Then as quickly as my progress was moving along, it seemed to come to a jolting halt. I’ve had worsening pain over the 12 screws, rods, and hunk of metal in my skull. At times it swells to the size of an egg and feels like the screws are trying to make their way right out of my head! I’ve also had increasing pain down my entire spine and legs, along with many other symptoms. After several more trips to DC for MRIs and appointments with my neurosurgeon, last month I left his office with his recommendation of three more spine surgeries over the next nine months. The first is scheduled for New Year’s Eve…I guess I’ll be ending the year with quite a bang. This will be my 10th surgery; removing the hardware from my skull and neck. Three months after that – my 40th birthday present – will be surgery to repair a herniated disc in my thoracic spine that has adhered to my spinal cord and possibly herniated through it. This is causing lots of fun symptoms including affecting my heart rate as the affected nerves feed into my heart. The third surgery would be to clean up scar tissue that has formed in my lumbar spine where I had the base of my spinal cord removed 3 years ago. The good news though, is that after consulting with my uber knowledgeable PT and the neurosurgeon who performed that surgery, there’s a chance that releasing the tethering in my thoracic spine will provide enough relief that I don’t need the third surgery. I will wait and see. 

As I’ve navigated three major spine surgeries over the past three years, God has poured out his strength into my life, enabling me to be stronger than I ever thought I could be, and demonstrated in very real ways all of the good he was bringing amidst my pain. Just one of so many examples – the year I spent convalescing at my parents’ house was the last year of my dad’s life. But having to continuously fight for my health, to keep showing up as resolute and courageous, didn’t leave any room to process the toll this has taken on me. The news of needing three more surgeries left me feeling broken and beyond repair. A lemon that keeps going back into the shop for more work until eventually the mechanic suggests it’s time to trade it in for a properly functioning model. Will these surgeries and this pain ever end? Or will it continue to be a perpetuating cycle until the day my engine calls it quits for good?

I spent several weeks wrestling with the spiraling thought of, what’s the point? But in the midst of my angst, I was reminded of several truths. I am broken, because this world is broken. Nothing is as God intended when he created Adam and Eve in that perfect garden. But God sees my broken body, and hates my pain as much as I do, and he feels my agony just as acutely, because he experienced it tenfold. God didn’t desert our world when it was fractured by sin, but instead he sent his perfect, blameless son to be born in a lowly stable. God reached down into this brokenness to make beauty emerge from the ashes. Jesus walked this earth and experienced every physical, spiritual and emotional battle I will ever face, so that through my tears of affliction, I can look up to him and see my reflection in his tear-stained face. I can acknowledge the pain yet see the beauty in the midst of it. It’s ok to be weak; to grapple with so much brokenness. In fact God assures me that…

“My power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Lately I have felt wrapped in the loving arms of my Creator – through the people he has brought into my life. Friends who have lovingly come along side me; to offer a listening ear, much needed hug and shoulder to cry on, and a few who are even traveling to DC with me to be there during my surgery and recovery. These times of crying out to God have proven to be healing in so many ways as I’ve come to see the way that sorrow and pain can coexist with healing, purpose, joy and peace. 

Your peace has been my guiding light, my star of Bethlehem…

I’ve written about peace more than anything else, as it has been a truly life-changing and life-saving word. I’ve sought God’s wisdom and guidance through every step of this journey, and through prayer and moments of stillness in his presence, God’s peace has been my guiding light, my star of Bethlehem.  I used to think of peace as a lack of anxiety and a sense of calmness, rest and ease. But a few years ago I learned through an advent devotional that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, means completeness or wholeness. What a revelation this was to me on so many levels! Thinking of my health struggles…of wrestling with a body that so often feels broken into pieces, but the way God steps in over and over again by giving me peace…wholeness! No matter how broken I feel physically, or in spirit, Christ came to earth to be my Prince of Peace…offering me wholeness through a relationship with Him. And through this brokenness, I can cling to this promise I know to be true…

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:2, 4-5 NIV

It’s in these seasons of adversity that I have a choice to make…bury my pain, refuse to admit how hard it’s been and pretend that I am strong enough on my own. Or I can sit with my brokenness; yet not allow my spirit to be crushed, because of Jesus who gives me the strength to go on and not give up. My Jesus, who sees me, empathizes with me, weeps with me, wraps me in his loving embrace, and invites me into a peace…a wholeness…a completeness that only he can give.

Christmas is bittersweet. I love the festive cheer, shopping for just the perfect gift, showering blessings on those who need it and celebrating with those I love. Yet each year is a reminder of hopes and dreams I haven’t attained, a body I’d love to trade in for an upgraded model, and of so many loved ones I long to see again. But this Christmas season I can choose JOY above anything else as I celebrate the true meaning of this most wonderful time of the year. No matter how broken my body or spirit may feel, I can stand in the presence of my Prince of Peace with WHOLENESS, knowing that his plans for me are abundance, he is healing and restoring me in his perfect timing and perfect way, he is working everything for my good, he gives me joy independent from any circumstance, and that one day, when I see Jesus face to face, every part of me will be made whole for all eternity!

“Tears are falling, hearts are breaking

How we need to hear from God

You’ve been promised, we’ve been waiting

Welcome Holy Child 

Hope that You don’t mind our manger 

How I wish we could have known

But long-awaited Holy Stranger

Make Yourself at home

Bring Your peace into our violence

Bid our hungry souls be filled

Word now breaking Heaven’s silence

Welcome to our world 

Fragile finger sent to heal us 

Tender brow prepared for thorn

Tiny heart whose blood will save us

Unto us is born 

So wrap our injured flesh around You

Breathe our air and walk our sod

Rob our sins and make us holy

Perfect Son of God 

Welcome to our world”