Last week, walking into my neurosurgeon’s office in D.C. as I have many times the past several years, I noticed a brightly colored hummingbird lying breathless on the sidewalk. As I gasped at its beauty and mourned this little loss, I felt God meeting me in that place.

I have come leaps and bounds in my healing, and am so much improved from where I was, but far from symptom-free. Since having the hardware removed from my skull and neck, along with the C2 and C3 nerves, I have numbness in large swaths of my head and amplified feeling in other areas. Muscle spasms and phantom nerve pain cause  frequent headaches, and I’ve been struggling with the reality that this altered sensation and heightened pain may be my new norm. These concerns were on my list to discuss with my neurosurgeon as I walked into his office.

But looking at that little bird, I could feel my Father saying to me…“not even a sparrow can fall to the ground without me knowing it…and how much more do I care about you…my beloved. I know every one of your nerve fibers and the number of hairs on your head. I know your longings and pain…and your pain pains me too.”

I can’t tell you how many times God has made his presence known to me in a tangible way like this little bird.

My surgeon and I reviewed my thoracic MRI – now six months post-op, and while there’s still a herniation causing pain, it’s no longer crushing my spinal cord and far less severe than it was before surgery. My surgeon prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill everyone in my operating room, and to guide his hands, and his restraint in not removing too much of the disc and potentially clipping my spinal cord or thoracic artery is what preserved my ability to use my arms and legs. His first words when I woke up from surgery was that it was by God’s grace I wasn’t paralyzed, and I praise God every day for that!

I still have a ways to go until I’m where I one day hope to be, and there may be more surgery in my future, but for now, 11 surgeries is enough! For the first time in five years, I left my neurosurgeon’s office not imminently needing any more scans, procedures, surgery or even scheduled follow-ups!! 

Right now, flying at 36,000 feet, I’m en route to California…and for the first time in eight years it’s for a purpose other than a doctor’s appointment! I’m flying into San Jose, a place that represents both crippling pain and immense beauty borne from it. For many years I traveled here every other month getting IV treatments for neurological lyme disease, and hundreds of injections for widespread joint instability and neuropathic pain. But God met me in that anguish and sent so many signs of his presence; one being that my nurses became some of my most cherished friends, and I get to spend this weekend with them! Every time I would board my flight for San Jose, eyes blurred from pain and a jumbled brain, I’d have my earbuds in playing the songs that kept my eyes focused upwards, claiming His healing and victory. There were so many times I wanted to give into despair, and give up altogether…but God kept filling me with His hope that healing was coming. And did it ever! But in ways I never expected. 

Which brings me to more exciting news…over the past year I’ve been writing a book about this journey I’ve been on, and I just submitted the manuscript to my publisher! This book is my testimony. My testimony of a God who has never failed me. A God who loved me when I had nothing but anger and disdain towards him. A God who redeemed my life and washed the most despicable parts of me with his precious blood. A patient God. A God who saw me trepidly walking towards him and came running with open arms to embrace me. A God who gave me an identity in himself. A God who has nothing but unconditional love for me. A God who has carried me through debilitating pain, crippling fear and the anguish of heartache. A God who loves to heal. A God who simply asks that I draw near.

In the book I share difficult events from early in my life that lay the foundation and give context, and anecdotes from Italy, catering days, eating tarantulas in Cambodia and plenty of bad dates – my party tricks. But the real story unfolds during the pain, the hard, the messy. When it was sink or swim and I reached out to God, He used the hardest moments in my life to be the most profound gifts and greatest teachers. As I worked endlessly to heal my physical body, I uncovered misbeliefs about my identity, my purpose, my worth, and God’s love and my own which were deeply hindering me from healing and finding wholeness. 

For more than two decades my identity has been marked by pain…and many times that consuming agony became my identity. But at the cross, Jesus took my pain onto Himself, and through the most profound demonstration of love, enabled me to be made whole in Him…which means my identity of brokenness has been replaced by an identity of beloved-ness. Resting in His unbounded love for me has embolden me to step into this new identity…even though I feel like I’m still trying it on for size and haven’t worked out all the kinks! 

I used to think I had to have everything perfectly lined up in order to step into my next…but I’ve finally learned that thinking will have me waiting to move for my entire life! And so even though I don’t feel 100% well or ready, I am taking a leap. Someone much wiser than me said, “God equips those He calls.” In publishing this book I am stepping into a new chapter of my life….no pun intended! And it’s of utmost importance that I remember where my strength comes from, remain rooted in His truths, and grow with others who have those same intentions. On Monday I’ll fly from San Jose to SoCal, joining likeminded women from all over the U.S. at the kickoff Summit of Propel Cohorts, let by Christine Cain and Tara Beth Leach, then over the next five months we will learn from and with each other as we explore God’s calling and purpose for our lives.

I am in awe of God…who has brought me this far. My journey in no way, shape, or form has looked the way I thought it would. A life of chronic pain was the last thing I expected to get when I graduated from high school and having a stroke at 36 years old was the last thing I expected, period. Never mind having any reason to be grateful for it.  

But in every challenge I’ve had a choice…draw near to God or pull away from Him, and without fail, when I have chosen to draw near, God has shown up and shown Himself in profound ways, that I am beyond excited to share with you!! 

Whatever you are facing today, you are never too broken to be made whole!

“Not a sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your heads are numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.” Matthew 10:30-31