I’m a (mostly) healthy chef. You can find me cooking for private events, teaching in-home cooking classes, and in my kitchen coming up with new recipes. My best inspiration comes from traveling, as I explore a new culture through its food. Traveling allows me to experience the beauty and awesomeness of God’s creation – breathtaking vistas, spirited people, intricate creatures, and yes…indigenous bounties of fruits, vegetables, and seafood. And I can’t just keep all I see and do and eat and cook to myself…so come on an adventure with me!
Thank you all so very much for your outpouring of prayer, support, encouragement and love🤍 My mom and I both have felt covered in prayer and carried by Gods strength and his abiding peace. And my surgery went perfectly🙌 I was awake enough right away to talk to my surgeon, as I wanted to know all the details about what he found. During surgery he ran a test of brain stem function, and I have significant brain stem damage from years of instability at my craniocervical junction compressing my brainstem and cranial nerves. But he is hopeful that with time it will heal, and I am trusting in Gods perfect healing!! The findings of brainstem damage actually validates all of my symptoms and the need for this surgery…so even that bolsters my hope for the many, many ways God will use this surgery to heal me perfectly!
I woke up from surgery with a catheter and a drain coming from my incision. I asked when I could get the catheter out, and the nurse told me it was there until I was able to get up, so within 2 hours post-op I had gotten out of bed and walked around. My surgeon came back later to check on me and said that I got the award for the fastest patient to ever get up after this surgery! All I could do was laugh…both because I knew whose strength allowed me to do that, and also because I’ve never won an award for anything athletic in my life😆 Once the local anesthetic wore off, the pain was pretty excruciating even with meds, but I was expecting that, and am used to being in a lot of pain…and the relief I felt that surgery was over, and the gratefulness I felt that God had mercifully gotten me through, outweighed everything else I was feeling!
The morning after surgery I had a cervical CT scan and my surgeon said everything looked perfect. And because I was up and walking laps around the hospital floor, I was discharged a day early! Before leaving I had my bandages changed and got a look at my incision, which has me thinking that for Halloween I’ll be Frankenstein and just walk around backwards…what do think?!🙀
For the first week after surgery I could only be upright for about 5 minutes at a time before searing pain and dizziness set in, and my neck muscles went into spasm. But I’m gaining endurance pretty quickly, and now 11 days out I’ve gone on a few little outings, and have done a little cooking! And speaking of, my surgeon was able to set my neck in place at a slight downward angle, which will make it that much easier to cook! Full recovery will take anywhere from 3-12 months, but I know that God will give me the strength I need for each day.
And each day I am healing little by little and seeing smalls wins, which doesn’t mean I don’t get impatient at times. But I’m also learning to cherish these days of slowing down, not looking at a to do list and instead doing what my body needs moment to moment. Being more present…yet I also can’t help but think ahead to what the next season may bring; what I might be able to do with this new spine of mine. It got me thinking about a poem I wrote in a similar season of convalescing, after reading this verse and questions started spiraling in my mind….
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10 NLT
My poem, titled PLAY
What works did you plan for me long ago?
Oh how I long to walk in Your will
Holding Your hand
Or better yet…
With You carrying me
Rocking in your arms
My eyes locking onto your loving gaze as you tickle my belly and I erupt in laughter
High upon your shoulders
I feel you ducking under door frames so I don’t bump my head
The giggles of a piggyback ride
My braided hair flopping in sync with each of your steps
Skipping down the sidewalk
Your firm grasp making sure our feet don’t get tangled and trip
Peace. It’s an often overlooked word in the busy, chaotic, hamster-wheel lives we so often find ourselves in. But it is a life changing word, a word that Jesus came to embody as our Prince of Peace, and one that He gave up His life for so that we could experience. It helps usher in so many more traits of the Holy Spirit – joy being one, and where we find the abundant life God has waiting for us when we reject fear because we have sought peace.
Right now, left up to my own spiraling thoughts and meager strength, I would be paralyzed with fear. After exhausting all other options for the past 5 years, including more cervical injections than I can count, this Wednesday I will have surgery to fuse my skull base to C2, which will mean I’ll never be able to move my neck again. I’ll have 8 screws drilled into the base of my skull to secure a piece of hardware that will replace those cervical discs, and then cadaver bone grafted over the C1 and C2 vertebrae, drilled into place with 4 more screws.
I have a condition called craniocervical instability (CCI) which means that the ligaments that hold my skull onto my neck are damaged, so when I move my head, my skull shifts off of my spine. This excessive movement compresses my brainstem and cranial nerves and caused an ischemic stroke two and a half years ago. The symptoms are at times debilitating and include headaches, neck & eye pain, head pressure, vision issues, dizziness, nausea, inability to regulate my heart rate, breathing & temperature, chronic fatigue, tinnitus, brain fog & often trouble speaking. This surgery has always been a last resort, but ever since having the stroke I’ve known that I had to do whatever it took to stabilize my craniocervical junction. However fear was still holding me back from taking this leap of faith…and as I’ve come to see…the abundance I believe God has waiting for me!
Two years ago I went to DC for the first time to start working with an incredibly knowledgeable neurosurgical group who specialize in CCI. In March I had cervical fusion to fix a lower disc that was stretching my spinal cord, and our hopes were that it might alleviate my symptoms enough to call it a day there. That surgery fixed what it was supposed to but not what we hoped for. Then in June I had a lumbar puncture to alleviate high intracranial pressure, that again we hoped would be enough symptom relief…but it wasn’t. In July my surgeon and I made the decision to move ahead with this fusion, after my imaging has been progressively worse, but I still wasn’t sure it was the right move. And so I started praying for peace. Every day I asked God to either fill me with peace, or fill me with the complete opposite of it. I started meditating on Isaiah 26:3, and it took on a whole new power and meaning.
This verse promises not temporary calm, but says God will KEEP us surrounded by an unwavering peace when we lock eyes with HIM, rather than looking at the mountain in front of us. And that is exactly what He has done for me through the countdown these past two months. Literally every day, often many times throughout the day, God has affirmed this decision. And then having that peace blanketing my mind has freed me to see handprints of Gods love, promises and victory in so many, many ways. Last Sunday our sermon was about saying “yes” to the calling God has for us, and Pastor Bill Johnson said, “by keeping ourselves from the conflict we were born for, we actually keep ourselves from the strength we were designed for.” And how sometimes our “yes” leads us to a battlefield. God leads us there because he wants to give us strength. Each of us are designed to walk in the victory Jesus paid for, but to walk in victory, we must be willing to enter the battle. As we submit to His calling on our lives, He will equip, nourish, and strengthen us, and above all, give us supernatural grace to see it to completion!
I have watched myself slip away these past 5 years, as month after month of symptoms have chipped away at my resolve, drained my strength, made it harder and harder to engage with people and activities, and caused me to burry my passion and zest for life beneath the weight of my condition. I do the bare minimum to get by…but that’s enough, right? In my own strength I’d keep back peddling, clinging to what I am still able to do. But is that really living? These past months as I’ve read His Word, I have been claiming the promises that God wants to give us new life, fullness of life, abundant life, victorious life! To break yolks of oppression from our necks (that one really got me!) and instead receive a yolk shared with Him. And that through the journey He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless; perfect love that drives out fear; abundant grace that covers the mess we make; His abiding Spirit who intercedes for us when we’re too weak to pray; joy even in the face of life’s hardships; and PERFECT, unwavering, peace.
Will I have hard, painful days ahead? Yes. Will this surgery present new challenges that I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life? Yes. But do I have to rely on my own expectations for the healing that will take place, and for everything that I will gain? Not in the slightest! And do I have to rely on my own strength to fight this battle? Not even a little. On the contrary, God is eagerly waiting to show up even more than I’ve ever seen before! Eager to show off his muscles, eager to delight His child with the abundance He has in store! My other prayers these past months have been for just that – that God would use this surgery to not only restore me better than ever before, but that God would be praised and glorified in doing so. And also glorified through my struggles. And an amazing thing has happened – I have come to see through this daily fight for faith, this daily choice to lock eyes with God, that I can already claim victory and abundance because of the ways He has used this to stretch my faith, grow my roots deep into the soil, blanket me with His peace, and give me joy in the face of suffering.
One morning a few weeks back I was having my coffee and time with God, and one of the verses I read was 2 Timothy 1:7, “for God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
I realized that I had become reliant on yesterdays peace, and wrote in my journal that day, “fear is subtle…it creeps in. It’s not a deluge, instead it’s like a very gentle rain. One droplet of doubt here, another one there, slowly building until the ground is suddenly saturated, and you’re no longer on solid footing. I’ve seen it creeping in this week, I’ve started second guessing my need for this surgery and my ability to work and cook after it. But my loving Father knows that, and because I came to Him this morning FIRST – to fill me up, He did just that. Encouraging me with promises to cast out fear, reminding me of His faithfulness, encouraging me by having me look back on parts of my story, and promising me that there’s no brokenness he can’t restore, nothing He won’t redeem.”
This past week was one of the busiest I’ve had in a while, and pushed me to my limits while also being incredibly rewarding. It started off on Sunday by my cooking dinner for 50 people at a horse farm in Ocala, and ended on Thursday evening with the grand opening of my integrative health clinic which I also made all of the food for. They were amazing events and every day I thanked God for His provision and for the strength to carry on. As I was doing some of the final food prep on Thursday, I started trying to chop without looking down. I was only moving my eyes and it was painful and I almost lost a finger. I started to panic, thinking that I’d never cook again. But then almost immediately I felt God near, and I cried out to Him that I knew He wouldn’t bring me this far just to abandon me. That I was claiming is promises of hope and a future. And that whatever happened after surgery, I knew was part of His perfect plan for me. A sudden sense of calm washed over me, and I went back to cooking. And then a little voice said to me, “hinge at your waist” and when I did that, I could chop just fine without moving my neck down! I have found that God wants us to seek Him first in these times of helplessness we so often face – and then he delights in showing off his strength, and rewards us for turning to Him. The rest of that day I kept quoting Psalm 34:4-8, “I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!”
Monday morning as I was making my coffee (coffee is tangible proof that God loves us😆) getting ready to head to the airport for DC, I stood in my kitchen utterly amazed that I wasn’t crippled by fear by what could go wrong during this surgery, and what it will mean for my future. I truly had Gods peace that “passes understanding” in that my mind can’t understand how I can have this perfect peace! But then I was quickly reminded how it’s possible…as I started a new devotional with my Peer Servants group and this was the opening:
Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!
And these verses followed…
“The Lord is my strength and my song; he has given me victory. Songs of joy and victory are sung in the camp of the godly. The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things! The strong right arm of the Lord is raised in triumph. The strong right arm of the Lord has done glorious things! Psalms 118:14-17, 24 NLT
And my mom just minutes after, texted me that she woke up singing songs of victory! And I have to give a shout-out to my Mom, who has been an example to me of seeking God above all else, listening to the quiet voice of the Holy Spirit, and moving in Gods strength and leading, not my own. And who has been by my side through every single surgery…this will be number nine, and far too many procedures to count. Her selfless love, steadfast prayer, and abiding hope are pictures of Christ to me.
That day, my sweet, prayer warrior friend Leslie prayed Psalm 20 over me..
“May the name of the God of Jacob protect you. May he send you help from the sanctuary and grant you support from Zion… May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed. May we shout for joy over your victory and lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests. Now this I know: The Lord gives victory to his anointed. He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.”
And if you read my last post…I talked about how over a year ago God had said very clearly that it would be Him who heals me, and given me that last verse as assurance. My surgeon has prayed over me before every surgery, and before my last procedure he prayed that I’d be filled with Gods Spirit, that God would guide his hands and that God would heal me. My surgeon knows that his skill, his knowledge, his ability to heal is only because of his God working through him. And that it will be God who heals me!
Surgery is at 7:30 tomorrow morning. It’s four hours long, and my surgeon will work with his colleague for the entirety of it. They will use about five different measurements and fluoroscopic guidance to position my head at just the perfect angle before locking it into place, remove the cervical discs, install the hardware and cadaver bone, and then harvest stem cells from my hip and inject them into the surgical site. I was really excited to learn this last part, as stem cells have the amazingly unique ability to become whatever type of cell the body needs, giving an upgrade to the healing process. Please join me and so many others in prayer this week, for the hands of my surgeons, for no complications, for perfect results and for healing in more ways than I can even begin to imagine!!
I know that this is going to be a season filled with a lot of pain, but I also know that there is nothing that I can’t overcome with God‘s strength. And I am thanking Him for His costly gift of Christ’s life, death and resurrection that enable me to have this peace, this joy and this hope of earthly victory, and assurance of an eternal reward and perfectly restored body one day for all of eternity!
My last post was about the ways I’ve witnessed over this past year how God can bring life and hope and redemption to even our most broken situations. And thank you for rejoicing in those victories with me! Now I am asking you, my army who’s been there with me through this journey, to please PRAY.
Around the time I wrote that update, I started again having symptoms of intracranial hypertension (too much cerebrospinal fluid). The symptoms were severe, scary, and escalating quickly. I had an appointment with my neurosurgeon for my 3 month cervical fusion check-up, we discussed my symptoms, and as this has been an ongoing issue decided to do a diagnostic/therapeutic lumbar puncture to check my opening pressure and drain cerebrospinal fluid to give me temporary relief. Based on that we’d then put in a lumbar shunt to continuously drain excess CSF. I flew from DC to Massachusetts where my Mom was watching Spritz, we prayed over it and then I scheduled the lumbar puncture in one weeks time, miraculously lined up the necessary pre-op appointments and flew home to St Pete the next day for a quick work week and turn around.
Thursday Spritz and I got to the airport at 10am for an 11:30 flight. We sat on the plane for 2 hours due to hydraulic issues and then weather, and then were kicked off and told we had to wait for a new flight path that would avoid the storms but would add flight time…because our plane couldn’t fly over water! (Our state is a freaking peninsula!) During our wait a plane right next to us took off for DC that could in fact fly over water, but I wasn’t allowed on it because my bag was sitting on the plane right next to that one. We re-boarded our plane only to have the same hydraulic issues reappear. After another hour on the plane the flight was cancelled. I quickly booked the flight out that evening from my phone, and had I waited in line for the ticket agent it would have been sold out. We got on the evening flight, to again have hydraulic issues, then weather issues. All but southbound flights were cancelled. At 10:30pm after sitting on the plane for 3 hours our flight was cancelled and rescheduled for 9:30 am Friday morning. I had to be at the hospital in Maryland at 9 am but by hell or high water I was determined to make it! I booked a 5am flight to Baltimore, checked into the airport hotel for 4 hours and watched the sunrise at 40,000 feet the next morning. We took an Uber from the airport to the hospital and made it there at 8:30 am. Meanwhile my mom, my partner through every single step of this wild ride, had arrived in DC on time the afternoon before. She met me at the hospital, took Spritz (who had been a champ during our 12 hour day on planes, trains and automobiles) back to our air bnb, and then made it back to the hospital for my scheduled procedure time. So crisis averted, back in business!
A lot was riding on this procedure…a lot of symptoms I was having overlap with my other neck issues, and if this gave me relief that could mean prolonging my need for the next big fusion. It would also mean a huge increase in my quality of life. To be honest, I fought fear all week leading up to it. I kept thinking, “what if this is another dead end or doesn’t give me the clarity I need?” And kept having to go back to the promises I know…that perfect love casts out fear. That God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me hope and a future! And in my devotional was this verse, “When the Spirit of truth comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own but will tell you what he has heard. He will tell you about the future.” John 16:13
Last summer in a similar emergent situation of escalating intracranial hypertension symptoms, I did a similar one week turnaround from DC to Baltimore after my surgeon found some concerning masses at the base of my skull and wanted to rule out arteriovenous malformation or jugular compression as a cause of my intracranial hypertension. I had a diagnostic cerebral arteriogram and angiogram, where they ran catheters through the veins and arteries in my legs up to my brain and injected contrast dye while taking x-rays of the veins and arteries in my brain, head and neck. This time looking for a blockage in my internal jugular vein as the culprit, and a stent would be the solution. Very similarly this route would have vastly simplified future treatments and had potential to improve a vast amount of symptoms. That study showed no blockage, but severe veinous congestion in my head, and the ramification of that is still unclear. I remember waking up that next morning feeing really beat up (the procedure felt like hot electric shocks) and really defeated, and was crying out to God as to why. Why had I gone through that for nothing, why couldn’t even one step of treating my conditions be easy or clear? And I sat there having one big pitty party in my hotel room. But then I turned up my praise music and got into his Word and read the verses that I can trust that when His “ways” are not my “ways,” this is only because they are “higher than my ways” (Isaiah 54:9) and then from Psalm 20 that, “some trust in chariots and some trust in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.”
In that moment God so loudly said to me “it will be Me who heals you!” And then a friend texted me encouragement to always remember that I’m in the hands of the Great Physician! I wrote in my journal that morning, “There is only one Healer, and I call him Father! Once again God is surrounding me with signs of His presence. He’s ministering to me right where I am…in my angst, in my frustration, in my fear, in my pain. He’s saying ‘I’m right here. Take my hand, see my scars, and trust me.’” I have gone back to what I heard God say to me so many times…and I believe it, and at times have even claimed it as done…but have also really wondered what that actually means? Do I just stop pursuing any medical treatment? How will God himself heal me?
So back to last week…leading up to the lumbar puncture…amidst the other fears I had, the funny thing is I had no fear about the actual procedure. And at the hospital that day I realized why. My surgeon has prayed over me before every surgery, and that day he prayed that I’d be filled with Gods Spirit, that God would guide his hands and that God would heal me. My surgeon knows that his skill, his knowledge, his ability to heal is only because of his God working through him. And that it will be God who heals me!
My surgeon drained 20 ml of CSF from my lumbar spine and then took blood from an artery in my wrist and injected the area around the opening of the dura to prevent a CSF leak. Everything went great (aside from a blown IV, 4 misses and some very bruised arms and hands). I woke up feeling improvement of many symptoms and was so relieved and hopeful. I had pain and tightness in my legs and sacrum but that was just from the added pressure on the nerves. My opening pressure was 18, 15 is normal is 20 is clinically high, so the plan was to monitor symptoms, which were up and down all weekend and hard to gauge. I felt like I was back in the same place of uncertainty as after my arteriogram in Baltimore, but God kept giving me comfort from his Word. One morning as my thoughts were spiraling, I started quoting Psalm 139 and then it was also part of my devotional that day…which I’ve found happens quite often when we take time to listen to that quiet, gently voice of the Spirit. “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.”
I was back home Monday and back to work on Tuesday and feeling pretty great. Wednesday, all hell broke loose. I woke up with a return of a severe headache, legs that felt like all the muscles had been torn, and extreme pain in the area where my tailbone used to be (I had two surgeries to remove my tailbone after an injury but have had pain there for 20 years because the culprit was actually the tethering of my spinal cord that I had surgery on 2 years ago.) My surgeon assured me that nothing was wrong from the procedure, and that the pain was from the added pressure on nerves that were already highly traumatized and sensitive, but we were both exasperated. The pain continued to get worse, and by Friday I was in the most intense pain I’ve ever been in…even more than after any of the 8 surgeries I’ve had! I talked to my surgeon again on Saturday, he prescribed me a drug used to treat nerve pain and seizures, and a med for nerve pain. The medications didn’t interact well with each other or with me, I was having unbearable side effects with minimal relief and I had to go off of them completely. Monday I made the very difficult decision to cancel my clients for the week, and moved my scheduled flight to Massachusetts from Thursday to Tuesday. I didn’t know how I was going to keep making it through each day, through meetings at the clinic, and how I was going to pack, let alone get on a plane, but I know that God is strongest in our weakest, and I kept thanking Him for yet another opportunity to show his love and His faithfulness to me. And He kept speaking back through his word…“and I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” Philippians 1:6
Tuesday morning came, I had barely slept due to pain and I was dizzy, had a pounding headache and was sick to my stomach due to residual side effects of the medications. I was teetering on cancelling my flight, but gave it a few minutes. My verse of the day was “wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous, yes wait patiently for the Lord!” Then I put on praise music and started singing along, and almost immediately I felt a little bit better. And so I kept singing…while I showered, while I packed, while I waited. And my God, my healer, showed up like he always does. Because when we worship, we put God in His rightful place as God, bowing to His sovereignty and declaring our trust in His goodness and love. It doesn’t always mean that our situation will change, but our mindset alway will. And I have seen time and time again that in those moments of surrender, God speaks, and God moves, and God brings breakthrough.
The songs on my playlist that morning…
“This is how I fight my battles…it may look like I’m surrounded but I’m surrounded by you”
“I’m gonna see a victory, for the battle belongs to the Lord”
“Because he lives, I can face tomorrow”
“All my life You have been faithful, and all my life You have been so, so good. With every breath that I am able, oh, I will sing of the goodness of God”
“But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story, the Voice of Truth says, “Do not be afraid!” And the Voice of Truth says, “This is for My glory” Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth”
And that last one is what I’ve been claiming all along…that God will use this trial for my good, and for His glory.
I made it to my moms in Chicopee, with wheelchair assistance at the airports and several shed tears from how bad the pain was. That night was the worst yet…I now know why women scream during contractions and if I never have kids, I think I can still say I’ve been through labor pains. I have come to my breaking point. Today as I write this, I am in shear agony. Moving in any way causes stabbing pains and I can only take a few steps without going into spasms. It’s impossible to find any comfortable position. My surgeon thinks that my intracranial pressure is high again, and that is further irritating the sacral nerves. I’m going on a trial run of a medication that will lower my CSF pressure, and if that helps then he will put in a lumbar shunt. And thus why I have asked you to pray. I am weak, I am weary, and in my own strength I can’t take this pain any longer. But my God shines in our weakness…and I know that with every fiber of my being. Please pray for renewed strength, relief of pain, for a clear path forward, and for God to heal me.
Two years ago on Memorial Day weekend, I had an ischemic stroke from brainstem compression due to instability at my craniocervical junction. My dad flew to my house, helped me finish one last job for a client, and then flew me and Spritz up to Massachusetts for what was to become the most challenging 6 months of my health, culminating in surgery to remove the base of my spinal cord and alleviate extremely high intracranial pressure. My dad was there for me through all the difficulties of that time and kept a smile on my face on even the hardest of days. 4 months after surgery I was finally back on my feet, and the day before I was to fly home, my dad went into kidney failure. His cancer had metastasized to his whole spine and he was given weeks to months to live. Last year on Memorial Day weekend he took his last breaths, and I was able to be there right by his side.
We had celebrated his 80th birthday 3 weeks before that, and my mom had the idea to make him a birthday cake that looked like his rock yard and asphalt plant.
I covered the whole cake with coarse brown sugar to look like sand, and when we carried it out to my dad, singing “Happy Birthday” followed by “May the Good Lord Bless You” my dad started to cry and so did every single one of us, his whole family gathered around him. And my dad said…”what a God, that he would take care of me like this, even in my last days. He knows every hair on my head, and the number of each grain of sand.” And then he went on to talk about an analogy of death that had always stuck with him, that it was going to be like getting onto a boat in the fog, waving goodbye to all those you love on one shore, then going into the thick fog and emerging on the other shore with all those you’d loved who had gone before you waving hello, welcoming you with open arms. I know without a doubt that when my daddy left this earth a year ago, he was greeted by the loving embrace of his Heavenly Father…the one who created him, called him by name, and had prepared his eternal home, because my dad has trusted in Him as Lord of his life.
When I finally returned home last June, in many ways it felt like I was picking up pieces of a broken life. But God had given me a priceless gift…and that was in having had that year with my dad. A year that was both the most difficult year of my life and the biggest blessing. And so as I began again…navigating next steps with my health, big career decisions and seeking Gods will over my next…the fact that God is faithful, God is good, God is love, God does restore, God does redeem, and God does have a plan…was unwavering in my mind. And that gave me the confidence to keep stepping out in faith. This year started with my becoming co-owner of an integrative health clinic in St. Pete where I’ll get to use what I’ve learned through my own heath struggles to help others and spread a message of hope. In March I had fusion at C5-6 and while I still have a lot of pain and may need more fusions in the future, that surgery has helped tremendously. And just last weekend, my best friend and I catered a gala for 150 people out in LA – the largest event either of us have ever done on our own as private chefs. Just writing this I am in awe…in awe at how far I have come, in awe at the strength God gives even at our weakest, in awe at how awesome is our God! No matter how broken your life may feel right now, know that God promises beauty out of ashes. I am living proof!!
This weekend is extremely bittersweet as I miss my dad tremendously, yet I know that he’s in perfection, with our awe-inspiring God. And my Dad would be the first one to praise God with me for the wonderful things He has done!!!
One year ago we found out that my dads cancer had metastasized and we only had a few months left with him. My birthday was a few days later, and I spent the first half of the day in tears, knowing next year at this time he wouldn’t be in my life anymore. My dad called me that morning and barely had a voice, but sang happy birthday to me anyways – I can still hear him singing those words like it was yesterday. I miss him every day, and am choking back tears as I write this. But in the midst of such grief, I also have deep, unshakable joy. This year for the first time ever, my birthday falls on Easter, and it couldn’t be more fitting. “Because of the joy awaiting Him he endured the cross, disregarding it’s shame” Hebrews 12:2
We were the joy awaiting Christ Jesus…eternity with us, his beloved children, was enough reward that he endured the most excruciating, humiliating, undeserved, soul-separating death imaginable. The cross was the cost of His love, and the cost of eternal love. That we get to spend eternity with our Savior, and all those we love who also profess Christ Jesus as their Lord.
This is how, and this is why, joy can co-exist with loss and grief. This is why we can call this Friday “good,” because death didn’t have the final say. Gods insurmountable love saw it fit for Jesus to die for our sins, so that love has the final say for all eternity! Cross = Love🤍
When I wrote the post below about peace a year ago, I still had a dad and never though that it would be my last Christmas with him. He passed away Memorial Day weekend which was exactly one year from when he flew down to my house in Florida during a very scary time with my health and brought me and Spritz (but not in the suitcase!) up to Massachusetts where I’d spend the year seeing doctors, searching for answers, having surgery and convalescing, with my parents right by my side every step of the way. But coming off of a year of barely seeing my family due to Covid, God had already imprinted on my heart that every day is a gift, not to be taken for granted. And that He is Sovereign, had a plan amidst the pain, and that fruit was coming! Which doesn’t mean there weren’t very dark days that sometimes turned into weeks and times of hopelessness, fear, doubt, frustration and despair. But there were also many moments of laughter, of joy, of making memories and spending precious time together.
My dad drove me to all my doctors appointments and everywhere we went he had a story of having had a crushing or paving job in the various cities we passed. He’d tell me stories of the characters he met, the way he’d retrofit each job; coming up with new designs and solutions, and the obstacles he overcame. His ingenuity and the long hours he worked often meant he finished ahead of schedule. I learned even more about not only the incredible work ethic my dad had and how much he sacrificed for our family, but also how genuinely interested he was in the people he worked with. Decades later he could recall details about their lives as he animatedly spoke about them.
That’s one word that always comes to mind when I think of my dad…animated! And in the year I spent living back under his roof, I got to witness just how animated my dad was about his Lord…his faith in a Savior who was real to him, whom he trusted with his life and his family’s life, and turned to as his source of wisdom and peace. There’s one distinct instance that keeps coming into my mind…I had just gotten off a telehealth call with my neurosurgeon and I went and told my parents about it and the big decisions about my health I had to make. My dad intently listened, and then asked to pray, and he said that he liked to picture us looking up at God through a small hole in the ceiling, while God looks down on us seeing the full picture, the entirety of our story. And thanked God that because he sees all and knows all, we can trust him with our all. How I thank God for these precious memories… for these moments that I got to see my Dads heart for his Lord, and his love for me.
3 weeks before my dad passed away he asked his oncologist to be allowed to come home from the hospital on hospice…he said that there’s nothing like 20 kids giving him a hug, and that he was going from heaven to heaven. And that peace was a vivid reality that my dad lived with right up until the end of his life here. On one of his last days he looked up at the sky and said to me, ‘the colors, the colors are so amazing!” And I think he was beginning to see the splendor of heaven that was awaiting! It was pouring rain all day on the Saturday that he took his last breaths, and then, soon after he passed, the skies cleared and sunbeams shown through the trees as the sun set. My dad in heaven, rejoicing for all eternity!
We sing carols about baby Jesus our Prince of Peace, but it’s not just a name…it is His very being. Jesus is Peace! And because of that, our circumstances can never change who He is and what He offers to us. And we can have joy, we can have hope, and we can have peace, even in the midst of the most overwhelming grief, sorrow, loss and pain.
I am beyond grateful for that year I had with my dad, and shortly before he passed away I got to tell him that I would go through all that pain all over again for the time I got to spend with him. I am so grateful that God in his loving faithfulness allowed me to see the way He was working that whole year for my good. And while it doesn’t make my heartache any less, it sure bolsters my confidence in the way that God can redeem any and every situation that we let Him!
Post on Peace from 1 year ago…
Four weeks since my tethered cord release surgery! My surgeon cut through the muscle down to my spine, removed the piece of bone covering my spinal cord, then cut into my spinal canal and removed the very bottom portion of my spinal cord, called the filum. My surgeon told me that when she cut into my dural sac, my cerebral spinal fluid came shooting out, a sign that I have had very high intracranial pressure, which was contributing to my constant and pounding headaches for the past 3 years. The filum that she removed was thick and brittle; it had not been functioning, and was keeping my whole spinal cord trapped and unable to move within the spinal canal. With that removed my spine will be better at regulating pressure now, amongst many other things! I had to lay completely flat for the first 24 hours post-op to help my spinal fluid recalibrate, then spent another 3 days recovering in the hospital before going back to my parents for the long haul…6 weeks of no bending, lifting or twisting.
It has been a challenging month, but God is faithful, and IS our strength when we are weak. While still in the hospital I had a severe mast cell reaction to the antibiotics they gave me, then when I got home had an allergic reaction to the surgical tape covering my incision which morphed into a systemic rash covering my whole back side. The medication they gave me made the issues with my heart rate much worse and didn’t do anything to clear up the rash, and I ended up on a 6 day prednisone taper…which actually stabilized my heart rate better than it had been in a few years…so God used even that for good! After the first week I started getting bad rebound headaches as the CSF pressure came back up, in addition to tension headaches from my cervical instability. But each week I’m moving more without as much pain…yesterday I was able to bend down far enough to wash my face at the bathroom sink…small wins!
It was a big step of faith having this surgery, but I am believing for our BIG God to use it to heal me in BIG ways! I’ve been reading some passages on faith; Hebrews 11 is one of those mega motivational faith passages, and Paul says that, “Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.” Then he goes on to describe biblical accounts of the superhero’s of Christian faith and says that, “Their weakness was turned to strength”! Then I was looking at the story of Mary, who walked by faith in fulfilling Gods calling on her life, and whose cousin Elizabeth exclaimed about her, “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45 NIV
I’ve sought God’s wisdom and guidance through every step of this journey, and through prayer and moments of stillness in God’s presence, He’s led me in which way to go, and then given me peace about each decision. He led me to a surgeon who I’d later find out is one of the best surgeons in the world for tethered cord, and whose whole team was highly skilled in operating on patients with EDS and it’s comorbidities. I don’t have much symptom relief yet…it could take months for my spine to start functioning properly and for all the pieces to be restored, and since my tethered spinal cord went undiagnosed for 36 years, there’s damage that might have been too advanced to be reversed. But nothing is impossible with God! He gave me His peace over all of this, and I am waiting in eager expectation for all that He will do.
When I’ve thought about what it means to have peace, I’ve conjured a lack of anxiety and a sense of calmness, rest and ease. But only recently did I learn through an advent devotional that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, means completeness or wholeness. What a revelation this was to me on so many levels! Thinking of my health struggles…of wrestling with a body that so often feels broken into pieces, but the way God steps in and over and over again by giving me peace…wholeness! No matter how broken we feel physically, or in spirit, Christ came to earth to be our Prince of Peace…offering us wholeness through a relationship with Him. Jesus was born our Prince of Peace because our broken world is separated from God through sin, but that baby in a manger, wrapped in lamb’s clothes, came so that he could die on a cross, the perfect lamb without a single blemish, to be the ultimate sacrifice for us. Jesus’ birth and death made it possible for us to be complete in God’s sight…whole, not lacking a single thing!
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:2, 4-5 NIV
Isn’t this the crux of the human struggle…that there is a gaping void in our lives that we try and fill with so many “good” things, avoiding struggle and discomfort as much as possible. Yet it’s in those seasons of adversity that we have a choice to make…keep filling the void with more and more ‘fluff” that is fleeting and will never truly satisfy, or to believe that Jesus is our only Savior, to have faith that He can and will use everything for our good in our life, to keep seeking God’s wisdom through prayer and stillness…and then to watch for an outpouring of PEACE…COMPLETENESS…that will come overflowing into our lives.
This Christmas season I am celebrating and praising my Prince of Peace in a whole new way…because no matter how broken my body may feel, I can stand in His presence with WHOLENESS of spirit, knowing that His plans for me are perfect, He is healing and restoring me in His perfect timing and perfect way, He is working everything for my good, He gives me joy independent from any circumstance, and that one day, when I see Him face to face, every part of me will be made whole for all eternity!
One day as I sat by my dads bed, longing for the end to his struggle with a body that was wasting away, yet clinging to his hand that still felt as it always had…I was deeply conflicted over how to pray. Shortly after I got a poem prompt from Jennifer Camp on the topic of “doubt.” And as I started to write, God used it to help me process questions and emotions I was burying. When God says to come to Him with our burdens…it means we can bring our doubts, our fears, our questions, our pain, our longing, our grief. It means we can come as we are. What doubt do you have today? Bring it to Him🤍
Why pray when you’ve ordained it all Can my prayers change your heart? And if so…do I want them to? I don’t know what’s best, only what I want My eyes see pain, suffering, the stripping away of a beautiful, bountiful life My heart aches, for all the moments Dad will no longer be here for Children he’ll never meet Jokes he’ll never tell Hugs and hand holds I’ll never feel again Prayers over me that will be no more
But God I know you’re perfect I know you’re good And I know your love It somehow fills every crevice and crack that I let it Its a love that’s in the details A love that proves you know all of me Standing in that perfect love…how could I question it by praying for something else? So again I ask… If my prayers change your heart… Do I want them to?
I don’t know the answer
So instead I pray for what I know That when I ask You give peace that makes whole my broken heart You give joy in the face of deep sorrow You give hope of life beyond the grave When I don’t know how to pray Your Spirit sings a wordless melody that falls on listening ears And you give endless grace to cover this questioning mind This doubting heart This restless soul
I’m still at a loss for words. A few weeks ago we found out that my dads bladder cancer has metastasized…stage 4 bone cancer in his pelvis, sacrum, back and ribs. It caused acute kidney failure, he had a double nephrostomy, and has been in and out of the hospital since February. We are counting every day left as a gift.
I don’t know where to begin putting into words my grief or my gratitude. Gratitude for my dads life…the countless lives he has touched and his overflowing love for our family and his Savior. Gratitude for the time I’ve had with him, especially these past 10 months living back under my parents’ roof, precious time that was not in my plans but that God so graciously and lovingly gave to us. Time that I will never forget.
I don’t know how to keep these tears from falling. But what I do know is that God is faithful. And there are seasons when we are filled to the brim with examples of that. And I think it’s so that we can hold tight to it for the seasons when that cup seems to be running dry. We look back on those bountiful times and know that God will see us through. That He is always present and always in control, always in the details and always on His throne.
Sometime I’ll write more about just the amazing man my dad is. And the ways that I see Gods handprints all over our lives. For now…I go back to what I know to be true in times when I don’t know what else to do. My worship is my weapon. Worship brings peace. Worship brings comfort. Worship brings my downcast eyes back to the throne of our loving father…locks my eyes with our Creator God, to Jesus’ nail pierced hands, to the Hope that we will be with Him one day and everything sad will be made untrue.
Thank you all for keeping my dad in your prayers as he is battling this cancer and tremendous pain, and our family as we walk in Gods grace by our dads side day by day.
“The hour is dark
And it’s hard to see
What You are doin’ here in the ruins
And where this will lead
Oh, but I know that down through the years
I’ll look on this moment and see Your hand on it
And know You were here
And I’ll testify of the battles You’ve won
How You were my portion when there wasn’t enough
And I’ll testify of the seas that we’ve crossed
The waters You parted, the waves that I’ve walked
Believing gets hard
When options are few
When I can’t see what You’re doin’, I know that You’re proving
I had drawn inside the lines, neatly, creating what I though was a near perfect scene. Until a bucket of red paint fell and splattered all over it…and what a mess! I went to clean it up…but then looking more closely…realized that what it created was something more vivid, more intricate, more interesting, with more depth and character. And a story behind it that wasn’t mine to claim…it was only perfect with that red spilled out all over it. Jesus blood shed for me, splattered all over the tapestry of my life. Droplets of kindness, splatters of grace, streaks of faithfulness…the picture of love on full display❤️
“If love endured that ancient cross How precious is my Savior’s blood The beauty of heaven wrapped in my shame The image of love upon death’s frame
If having my heart was worth the pain What joy could You see beyond the grave If love found my soul worth dying for
How wonderful, how glorious My Savior’s scars victorious My chains are gone, my debt is paid From death to life and grace to grace
If heaven now owns that vacant tomb How great is the hope that lives in You The passion that tore through hell like a rose The promise that rolled back death and its stone
If freedom is worth the life You raised Oh where is my sin, where is my shame? If love paid it all to have my heart
How wonderful, how glorious My Savior’s scars victorious My chains are gone, my debt is paid From death to life and grace to grace
When I see that cross, I see freedom When I see that grave, I’ll see Jesus And from death to life, I will sing Your praise In the wonder of Your grace”
I was reading Deuteronomy this morning, the part when Joshua is about to lead the Israelites into the promised land, and God commands them, “Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go” (1:9). A few things struck me. One is that the Israelites had been lead through their actual wilderness journey by pillars of cloud and fire that were God’s very presence. His glory and power on full display. And they still needed this command! How much more do we need this reminder when we have buried God’s presence deep beneath the clutter and chaos of our lives.
The other thing that jumped out at me is that praying for strength and courage is pretty common. But discouragement…doesn’t that just come with the territory? Isn’t that just an emotion that likes to tag along with hardship? Don’t we have bigger things to pray about? But God knows discouragement is always in our wilderness. It goes hand-in-hand with times of fear, times of hopelessness, times of weakness. And yet He commands us to give it over to Him! And when we do, He gives us courage that drives out discouragement. Victory that drives out defeat. Peace that drives out fear. Strength that sets us on solid ground.
And literally as I was reading this passage and pondering it all…a song came on my playlist with the opening lines…
“Out of the wilderness
Into Your deliverance
Look where I’m standing now…”
There are pillars of cloud and fire all around us…and instead of just one leading us by day and one by night, they are too numerous to count…because our clouds and fire are God’s Holy Spirit that Jesus left with us, in us, in His place! And when we ask Him…He guides us in the wilderness, equips us with everything that we need, and it’s suddenly easy to replace discouragement with courage, because…see that single set of footprints…we’re getting a piggy back ride!
I’ve needed constant reminders lately of what faith is, what faith needs to look like in my life, and the promises that will follow when I abide in that faith. That walking in faith means not needing to see the road ahead…because of the assurance that the finish line is there…and at it is the biggest cheering squad we’ve ever seen, giving us water that will quell our endless thirst, towels to permanently wipe away the sweat and tears, and our Coach waiting with open nail-pierced arms, shouting that we’re almost there…we can do it…don’t give up…finish strong…in a voice that we suddenly recognize! Recognize as the sound of our shoes against the pavement on those lonely stretches of road; as the wind rustling the leaves in those misty, barren valleys; as the chirping of birds in those sun-kissed patches; in the cheers and encouragement and prayers of our loved ones from the sidelines. We suddenly realize that those sounds that were always there, sometimes so distant almost imperceptible…formed a symphony…the symphony of our life…that was only in-tune when we locked eyes with the Conductor. And in His embrace…suddenly that symphony melded into one note…the most pure and beautiful tone…saying, “well done my love! You did it! I knew you would!”
It’s been 10 months since my body called it quits…my symptoms became so severe that I came to stay with my parents in Massachusetts. It took me 4 months to get any answers for a complex set of conditions that I knew were debilitating me, but are only acknowledged by a handful of surgeons around the US. In November I had surgery for a tethered spinal cord; I’m recovering well but it will take 1-2 years for the nerves to start functioning 100%. My real issue (and I’ve got lots!) is instability in my neck where my skull meets my spine, called craniocervical instability (CCI). In January my neurosurgeon in DC diagnosed me with significant instability at my craniocervical junction and it’s compressing my brainstem and causing my pain, headaches, brain fog, pre-syncope, dizziness, nausea and too many more symptoms to list…and that part of the brainstem controls breathing and heart rate. It became so inflamed last May from constantly looking down while I was cooking…that it’s why I became so debilitated. Additionally, I found out that the lower part of my brain, the cerebellum, has herniated down into my spinal cord. I also have herniations in my lower neck that are causing an abnormal curvature of my spine, and she saw compression of my internal jugular veins, which I saw a specialist in Long Island for just this week, and I don’t need stents put in, yay! My neurosurgeon is proposing 2 separate cervical fusions…the first would involve removing the lowest part of my occipital bone and then fusing that through C2. Next would be fusing C5-C7.
This is a huge decision I have before me. Fusion at those levels will leave me with significant loss of function and mobility. It would open me up to other complications and most likely speed up the need for more fusions. But my quality of life has been so severely diminished at this point…I’m ready to go there if I need to.
I left that appointment almost in tears…both because of what these surgeries would mean for me…but also out of gratitude to have been seen, to have been validated, and to have such confirmation for what I knew has been going on for so long! Right away my biggest fear was in making the wrong decision…but as soon as I realized that fear, I knew instantly that God would give me peace, as long as I keep seeking Him, like he has done every single time. He is so faithful! Seek His spirit, His word, and His divine Providence. Tune my ear to Him, and wait for Him to lead and move.
I am not jumping into the fusions yet…I’ve tried to avoid that for several years now and have not given up hope that our God is bigger than any of these diagnoses!! I am still working with my doctor in California to treat my spine, and even though I’ve had over 200 injections at this point, I am confident that in light of the tethered cord release and those nerves finally working again, I will see breakthrough where I haven’t before! I also don’t want to limit God. Going into my tethered cord surgery, I knew he could use it to completely heal me…and that healing just may take more time.
And so…on Monday, I am finally going home!!! And I don’t know what that will look like for me. I’m easing back into work, but I don’t know where my threshold is for inflaming my brainstem to the point of being debilitated again. So this time, I’m going to listen to my body, and when that “check engine light” comes on…I’m going to stop and tend to it! And I have amazing clients who are willing to be flexible as I make this transition. And then I’m going to keep working with my doctors who haven’t given up on me and who have that same hope for my healing. And I’m going to take it one day at a time, keeping my ears in tuned to the leading of my Coach, to the cheering of my tribe, to the rustling of those leaves and chirping of those birds.
Flying out of DC after my neurosurgeon appointment, there was a stunning sunset…one where the sun was above the clouds that were blocking the city below. I knew it was down there even though I couldn’t see it…but my gaze was on the sun…the Son! And I wrote these words… “Heading home…with hope on the horizon! I was validated, seen & heard, and finally diagnosed with what I’ve been certain is what’s left me so debilitated, unable to do the things I love.” And that’s how I feel right now as I head home to Florida… I am filled with hope. Hope that I can once again have a full life…because I believe Gods plans are to prosper me, not to harm, to give me hope and a future! And that promise from Jeremiah was my verse of the day the morning after my neurosurgeon appointment in DC!! Thank you all for your endless prayers, encouragement, love, care and support. For cheering for me from the sidelines, keeping my focus on that voice at the finish line saying…you can do it my love!
“Faithful from Beginning Look how Far You’ve Brought me Where Would I have Been Without Your Love Faithful to the Ending You have Never Left me I will not Forget What You have Done
The Best is yet to Come You know Just what I Need You know me by my Name You never Miss a Thing My Future’s gonna be Alright I don’t Need to know Where it Leads If I only know One Thing I know You go with Me The Best is Yet to Come
Your Hand will Always Guide Me Your Love will Always Find Me There’s Joy in Being Right where I Belong And if my Feet should Stumble If my Heart should Wander You will be the Light That Leads me Home”
There’s an acute heaviness in our world and the problems around us are so big, I easily feel helpless and like my prayers can’t even begin to make a difference. Can anyone else relate? So often when I do pray, I feel deeply conflicted. How can I pray for peace, for the safety of millions of refugees around the world, and then in the same moment pray for my struggles that seem so insignificant and trivial? I so often find myself praying for another person or situation, and then saying to God “if it has to be me or them, heal them God.” But this is GOD I’m talking to! The God who says, “Come to me, ALL of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29
Just yesterday I was again deeply convicted by a call to prayer that I read in Dr. Denison’s Daily Article (which I highly recommend signing up for). https://www.denisonforum.org/daily-article/putin-puts-nuclear-forces-on-high-alert-the-latest-from-ukraine-and-a-biblical-call-to-courage/Our prayers matter. Our prayers change things. Our prayers move mountains. Our prayers bring protection, they bring healing…they bring peace! It made me go back and read my account of what God did last Fall amidst the crisis in Haiti…yet another miracle that happened amidst this stormy season. And my prayer is that as you read this, you will be convicted to pray for Ukraine, for Russia, for our world…with renewed fervency, renewed faith…and renewed expectancy at what God can and will do with your prayers!!
As most of you know, I had to leave my home in Florida quite suddenly the end of May when my health issues became so severe that I could not longer work or live alone, and I went to stay with my parents in Massachusetts to be near the laundry list of specialists I needed to see, and so they could help care for me. It took 5 months and a team of specialists in Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island, Maryland, Florida and California to finally diagnose the rare and complex issues I’m dealing with, and to put together a treatment plan. The first of which was a tethered spinal cord release surgery in Providence on Nov 17. I had a one week window of time in October between my pre-surgical clearance appointment in Massachusetts and my pre-operative appointment in Providence, and I flew back home to Florida for the first time since leaving in May, to get some winter clothes, tend to some things at my house (that my sister was so faithfully taking care of), and spend some precious time with my family there. The whole trip happened so quickly and last minute that no one knew I was in Florida besides my immediate family.
I arrived in Tampa, greeted by my sister and niece with flowers and hugs and kisses. And then the eerie stillness of my home…everything just as I left it, longing to be lived in once again, yet my knowing that it would still be several months until I’d be back home for good. I never told anyone this wish, but ever since I had to go stay with my parents, I’d wished that someone who needed a place to stay could use my home. The day I arrived in Tampa, my friend Leslie – the volunteer director for PEER Servants who I’ve volunteered with since my Boston days, got an email from her friend Kate, a fellow volunteer who lives in Haiti, that she was looking to leave Haiti with her young children, Samuel and Esther, until the escalating situation there was under control and it was safe for them to return home. She was looking for a place in Florida to stay for the next few months…
I woke up that first morning back home in my cozy bed, so happy to be home, yet with great angst over having to leave again. I opened my inbox and read my daily Denison Forum email in which he urged us Christians to pray for boldness and went on to talk about the ways in which God was emboldening believers all over the world to be a light and a blessing to those around them. He closed by saying, “If we will ask God for the courage to stand for biblical truth and serve with biblical compassion, he will answer our prayer. Then, whether the world knows our name or not, God will use us for his eternal purposes.”
In that moment I prayed for boldness, that God would use me however He wanted, and that I would not get in the way of His plans! I went back to my inbox and there was an email from Leslie, who knew about my situation because she’s been praying for my health and following my journey for quite some time, thus thinking I was up in Massachusetts, and she was kindly asking if by chance I’d want to lend my home to this family, or if I knew of another place in Florida they might be able to stay. I yelled out “YES” so loudly my neighbors could have heard! I couldn’t believe what I was reading…the answer to a silent prayer that had been on my heart for so long, that was also the very real answer to a prayer prayed in faith by this family as they feared for their safety and well-being. Once again, El Roi, The God who sees me showing His love, omniscience and presence in a remarkable and real way.
What followed was a flurry of emails and Whats App messages of introductions and shared joy and awe at God’s loving kindness and provision. And as I went to work unpacking and repacking and getting my house in order for this precious family to come and live, I had a whole new purpose for being there for that quick trip I squeezed in between doctors appointments. I felt my house come to life…in the same way it does when I’m entertaining friends or hosting family, and in the same way I’ve always imagined it would if I had a family of my own. Rather than leaving an empty home, I was welcoming new friends to come and make it their own. I pictured them stringing up Christmas lights and baking Christmas cookies…both of which came true! I’ve always wanted my home to be a place where I could extend hospitality…as modeled by my parents to me. Hospitality is a spiritual gift, meant to uplift others, and we’re admonished that whatever our gifts are…to be generous with them! For after all… “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.’ James 1:17
God had me be back home at the exact moment I needed to be there, to make up beds and clear out closets, make up lists with WIFI passwords and security codes, and add welcoming touches that I couldn’t have done from afar. In additional to all the preparation, those days were spent in prayer as the situation in Haiti was rapidly deteriorating. Flights to the US were being cancelled and a fuel shortage was, amongst other things, threatening internet connectivity (hence all means of communication.) Kate and her family were trying desperately to make it to Florida safely, while her husband was (and still is) awaiting his visa so he could join them. I flew back up to Massachusetts on November 2nd in the afternoon and Kate and her kids landed in Tampa that very same evening! And what a precious blessing they have been to me! Their faith has been both encouraging and admonishing…to keep my eyes fixed on our God…our Mountain Mover and Great Provider…and not on our situation. And in the true power of prayer…what prayer warriors they are! I have been overwhelmed with their outpouring of love for me, their compassion and care as I underwent surgery, and the way they have delighted in my home and in my city. They send me pictures of my neighborhood as the decorations change for each season, of the Christmas tree in Vinoy Park, and the ice skating rink on St Pete Beach. Little things that make me feel like I’m back home. They love using my kitchen…something that of course makes me happy! And they delight in pictures of Spritz from afar (hence the photo shoot for Esther’s birthday!) And most importantly, they feel safe, they feel loved, they have reliable internet for school…the kids attending and Kate teaching on Zoom, and they have seen God’s hand as their Good Shepherd in a very real way and know that He hears and answers our prayers. I have come to love them all and this is a bond and friendship that will last our whole lives!
In those moments when I feel insignificant, I think of all the examples of El Roi, the God who sees me…of how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. That God knows the number of hairs on our heads; He knows what’s going on in every fiber of our being. He created the whole world…whole universe…calls out the stars by name, and yet knows mine as well, and cares about the details of my life. And now forever I will think of this story of our God who heard a prayer, prayed by a family in desperation and who heard my prayer for boldness; who met the very real physical needs of this precious family and who spoke to the silent prayers of my heart during a trying season. A simple prayer to be used by God and for a means to serve…was not only heard, but multiplied!
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” Psalms 34:4-8 NLT
Look who came to visit me in the hospital after my surgery!! Mike and I have known each other since we were 4 year old preschoolers at PVCA but had only seen each other once since high school graduation. His lovely wife Tara had seen my FB posts and put us in touch, as Mike pastors a church in…can you guess…Providence! I technically wasn’t allowed any visitors, but Mike pulled the clergy card, and what followed was an amazing time of sharing with each other what God has done in our lives these past 18 years! I’m smiling just writing all of this, because only God could have ordained and arranged this time together! I am so proud of the godly man Mike is! And his servant’s heart, the way he actively seeks out people to serve and share the love of Christ with, spoke to me so deeply. He asked me what had happened in my life since we were 18…oh, not much! The day after we graduated high school is the day I fell and broke my tailbone, have lived in constant and worsening pain ever since, and am recovering from my 4th spine surgery. But honestly I didn’t even think to tell him that…all that flooded my mind was the way God has been at work in my life…His faithfulness, His outpouring of love and what has happened from listening to His voice and leading. Because Mike knew me during my angry, rebellious teen, mad at God, looking for attention and love in all the wrong places phase…and I couldn’t wait to share that God hadn’t given up on me! And that God took the challenging situations in my life, the times when in my own strength I was completely helpless, and used them to show me that He is all powerful, He is trustworthy, He is faithful and He is love. God doesn’t give up on us, instead He says, “Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Rev 3:20 Boy would I love to be cooking that meal! God loves us when we want nothing to do with Him…it was when we were His enemies that Christ died for us! (Romans 5:10)
“You lived in this world without God and without hope. But now you have been united with Christ Jesus. Once you were far away from God, but now you have been brought near to him through the blood of Christ.” Ephesians 2:12-13
Hope…a word so powerful I have it tattooed on my wrist! We serve a God who not only loves the prodigal son, but who throws a banquet for him at his return, sparing no expense! A God who sent His son as a baby, to make our lives complete. The joy that Mike and I had over our Savior’s work in us and through us was palpable. And also yet more evidence of the power of prayer…because Mike told me that he’s been praying for me for years without my knowing! I wonder how many prodigal sons are out there who’ve been reconciled to their Father because of our prayers. Sometimes it takes a long time to have our prayers answered. Sometimes they’re answered in ways we don’t expect. Sometimes we will never see the way God has answered our prayers. But I think one day in heaven we’ll know it all! What a day of rejoicing that will be!! “‘For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:24
Mike and I covered 18 years in 2 hours…I haven’t smiled that much in a long time…and smile every time I think about that afternoon in my hospital room…in Providence. A place that time and time again has lived up to its name! This is a photo of that nights sun as I watched it set from my hospital bed…”from the rising of the sun, to the going down of the same, the name of the Lord is to be praised!”
But wait…there’s more! The morning I wrote all of this about Mike’s visit, I was unusually clear headed (as opposed to my usual dizzy blonde state!) and I knew God had put it in my heart to share that story. Those words came pouring out of me and then I eagerly posted it on Facebook. I tagged Tara in the post and went onto her page…I usually don’t scroll through Facebook, but in doing so I saw her urgent request for prayer for Mikes mom, whom I’ve known since I was 4 years old as “Miss O’Brien,” who had suffered a brain hemorrhage and was in the ICU. Immediately I started praying that God would spare her life and for peace for her whole family. I got in touch with Mike who kept me updated over a very rocky couple of weeks, as she went on to suffer a series of seizures, was unresponsive and on a ventilator, and there were times they didn’t think she would make it through the night, let alone ever resume normal functions again like vision, speech and processing. Over those weeks I witnessed Mikes faith in a God who can part the sea, and it was an honor to pray with him to that end. One night Mike texted me that he could feel the Holy Spirit in his mom’s hospital room, that he could see that little rain cloud that Elijah had so fervently prayed for as a sign of Gods presence, before the torrents of rain came as a sign of God’s power. He said to me, “All we need is a little ‘cloud’ to know God is about to shift things.” And then miraculously, over the next few days, Miss O’Brien was healed! Taken off the ventilator, able to speak and process, see clearly, eat a meal and smile at the camera. As I’m writing this I am still in awe at how this story unfolded! The way God brought Mike back into my life to be a friend, prayer warrior and huge source of encouragement during these challenging times, the way God led me to write down that story of His love, mercy and faithfulness on full display, and then in doing so how it led me to be there for Mike through an extremely difficult time and gave me the opportunity to get down on my knees before our God and request his healing for Miss O’Brien. And then to share in the awe and ecstasy of her miraculous healing and to praise our creator God for the grace He poured out into her life!!!
When we listen to and move in the Spirit…we always end up right in the middle of Gods will for us…where there is always increase, there is always healing, there is always joy, there is always peace, there is always hope, there is always abundance and there is always reason for celebration!! Just like that Father threw a banquet for his son at his return, God gives us reasons to throw a banquet for the miracles He’s doing all around us! And even when they come in ways we didn’t ask for, or the healing isn’t physically our own…God uses these experiences to bolster our faith, show us His love and to lift up our downcast eyes towards His glorious light.
A few months ago my pastor at Hillsong East Coast preached about storms in our lives, and the ways we experience more about Gods character in the midst of them. We can use our pain as a reminder…God has, God does, God will. And we can be fearful of the storm and circumstances, but also be in awe of Jesus in the boat with us! Sometimes God calms the storm, and sometimes he lets the storm rage and calms his child. A troubled saint once said, “I prayed for less wind in my sails, and God gave me more sails for the wind.” And isn’t that a perfect depiction of our God in the face of this stormy season!!
“There’s a name that levels mountains And carves out highways through the sea And I’ve seen its power unravel battles Right in front of me
Oh, there’s a faith that stands defiant It sends Goliath to his knees And I’ve seen His praise unravel shackles Right off my feet
‘Cause that’s the power of Your name Just a mention makes a way Giants fall and strongholds break and there is healing And that’s the power that I claim It’s the same that rolled the grave And there’s no power like the mighty name of Jesus
Oh, there’s a hope that calls out courage And in the furnace unafraid The kind of daring expectation That every prayer I make Is on an empty grave
There’s no power like the mighty name of Jesus
‘Cause I see You taking ground Oh, I see You press ahead And Your power is dangerous to the enemy’s camp You still do miracles And You will do what You said For You’re the same God now as You’ve always been”
Four weeks since my tethered cord release surgery! My surgeon cut through the muscle down to my spine, removed the piece of bone covering my spinal cord, then cut into my spinal canal and removed the very bottom portion of my spinal cord, called the filum. My surgeon told me that when she cut into my dural sac, my cerebral spinal fluid came shooting out, a sign that I have had very high intracranial pressure, which was contributing to my constant and pounding headaches for the past 3 years. The filum that she removed was thick and brittle; it had not been functioning, and was keeping my whole spinal cord trapped and unable to move within the spinal canal. With that removed my spine will be better at regulating pressure now, amongst many other things! I had to lay completely flat for the first 24 hours post-op to help my spinal fluid recalibrate, then spent another 3 days recovering in the hospital before going back to my parents for the long haul…6 weeks of no bending, lifting or twisting.
It has been a challenging month, but God is faithful, and IS our strength when we are weak. While still in the hospital I had a severe mast cell reaction to the antibiotics they gave me, then when I got home had an allergic reaction to the surgical tape covering my incision which morphed into a systemic rash covering my whole back side. The medication they gave me made the issues with my heart rate much worse and didn’t do anything to clear up the rash, and I ended up on a 6 day prednisone taper…which actually stabilized my heart rate better than it had been in a few years…so God used even that for good! After the first week I started getting bad rebound headaches as the CSF pressure came back up, in addition to tension headaches from my cervical instability. But each week I’m moving more without as much pain…yesterday I was able to bend down far enough to wash my face at the bathroom sink…small wins!
It was a big step of faith having this surgery, but I am believing for our BIG God to use it to heal me in BIG ways! I’ve been reading some passages on faith; Hebrews 11 is one of those mega motivational faith passages, and Paul says that, “Faith shows the reality of what we hope for; it is the evidence of things we cannot see.” Then he goes on to describe biblical accounts of the superhero’s of Christian faith and says that, “Their weakness was turned to strength”! Then I was looking at the story of Mary, who walked by faith in fulfilling Gods calling on her life, and whose cousin Elizabeth exclaimed about her, “Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45 NIV
I’ve sought God’s wisdom and guidance through every step of this journey, and through prayer and moments of stillness in God’s presence, He’s led me in which way to go, and then given me peace about each decision. He led me to a surgeon who I’d later find out is one of the best surgeons in the world for tethered cord, and whose whole team was highly skilled in operating on patients with EDS and it’s comorbidities. I don’t have much symptom relief yet…it could take months for my spine to start functioning properly and for all the pieces to be restored, and since my tethered spinal cord went undiagnosed for 36 years, there’s damage that might have been too advanced to be reversed. But nothing is impossible with God! He gave me His peace over all of this, and I am waiting in eager expectation for all that He will do.
When I’ve thought about what it means to have peace, I’ve conjured a lack of anxiety and a sense of calmness, rest and ease. But only recently did I learn through an advent devotional that the Hebrew word for peace, shalom, means completeness or wholeness. What a revelation this was to me on so many levels! Thinking of my health struggles…of wrestling with a body that so often feels broken into pieces, but the way God steps in and over and over again by giving me peace…wholeness! No matter how broken we feel physically, or in spirit, Christ came to earth to be our Prince of Peace…offering us wholeness through a relationship with Him. Jesus was born our Prince of Peace because our broken world is separated from God through sin, but that baby in a manger, wrapped in lamb’s clothes, came so that he could die on a cross, the perfect lamb without a single blemish, to be the ultimate sacrifice for us. Jesus’ birth and death made it possible for us to be complete in God’s sight…whole, not lacking a single thing!
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:2, 4-5 NIV
Isn’t this the crux of the human struggle…that there is a gaping void in our lives that we try and fill with so many “good” things, avoiding struggle and discomfort as much as possible. Yet it’s in those seasons of adversity that we have a choice to make…keep filling the void with more and more ‘fluff” that is fleeting and will never truly satisfy, or to believe that Jesus is our only Savior, to have faith that He can and will use everything for our good in our life, to keep seeking God’s wisdom through prayer and stillness…and then to watch for an outpouring of PEACE…COMPLETENESS…that will come overflowing into our lives.
This Christmas season I am celebrating and praising my Prince of Peace in a whole new way…because no matter how broken my body may feel, I can stand in His presence with WHOLENESS of spirit, knowing that His plans for me are perfect, He is healing and restoring me in His perfect timing and perfect way, He is working everything for my good, He gives me joy independent from any circumstance, and that one day, when I see Him face to face, every part of me will be made whole for all eternity!
For any of you who have followed my blog from its early days, you’ll remember that it used to be called “Cooking Up Reciprocity” and was where I shared my adventures as a volunteer intern in the Philippines with PEER Servants/CCT, and where I played the role of “Elsa” for every Filipino child who laid eyes on me and immediately asked me to sing “Let it Go” (which I promptly had to learn!) One of the core principals of PEER Servants is the concept of reciprocity…that as we give of ourselves…our time, our talents, our friendship, our resources…that those we are giving to in turn become just as much, if not more, of a blessing to us. This was true in my experiences every day in the Philippines…I shared many of those stories…and its still bearing fruit through friends I met there who are still close to my heart today.
I’ve been a volunteer with PEER Servants since I was living in Boston in 2012, and being part of this global family has enriched my life in indescribable ways. And this next story is one I couldn’t wait to share with you! As most of you know, I had to leave my home in Florida quite suddenly the end of May when my health issues became so severe that I could not longer work or live alone, and I went to stay with my parents in Massachusetts to be near the laundry list of specialists I needed to see, and so they could help care for me. It took 5 months and a team of specialists in Massachusetts, New York, Rhode Island, Maryland, Florida and California to finally diagnose the rare and complex issues I’m dealing with, and to put together a treatment plan. The first of which was a tethered spinal cord release surgery in Providence on Nov 17. I had a one week window of time in October between my pre-surgical clearance appointment in Massachusetts and my pre-operative appointment in Providence, and I flew back home to Florida for the first time since leaving in May, to get some winter clothes, tend to some things at my house (that my sister was so faithfully taking care of), and spend some precious time with my family there. The whole trip happened so quickly and last minute that no one knew I was in Florida besides my immediate family.
I arrived in Tampa, greeted by my sister and niece with flowers and hugs and kisses. And then the eerie stillness of my home…everything just as I left it, longing to be lived in once again, yet my knowing that it would still be several months until I’d be back home for good. I never told anyone this wish, but ever since I had to go stay with my parents, I’d wished that someone who needed a place to stay could use my home. The day I arrived in Tampa, my friend Leslie, who is the volunteer director for PEER Servants, got an email from her friend Kate, a fellow volunteer in Haiti, who has 2 young children, Samuel and Esther, and was looking to leave Haiti until the escalating situation there was under control. She was looking for a place in Florida to stay for the next few months…
I woke up that first morning back home in my cozy bed, so happy to be home, yet with great angst over having to leave again. I opened my inbox and read my daily Denison Forum email in which he urged us Christians to pray for boldness and went on to talk about the ways in which God was emboldening believers all over the world to be a light and a blessing to those around them. He closed by saying, “If we will ask God for the courage to stand for biblical truth and serve with biblical compassion, he will answer our prayer. Then, whether the world knows our name or not, God will use us for his eternal purposes.”
In that moment I prayed for boldness, that God would use me however He wanted, and that I would not get in the way of His plans! I went back to my inbox and there was an email from Leslie, who knew about my situation because she’s been praying for my health and following my journey for quite some time, thus thinking I was up in Massachusetts, and she was kindly asking if by chance I’d want to lend my home to this family, or if I knew of another place in Florida they might be able to stay. I yelled out “YES” so loudly my neighbors could have heard! I couldn’t believe what I was reading…the answer to a silent prayer that had been on my heart for so long, that was also the very real answer to a prayer prayed in faith by this family as they feared for their safety and well-being. Once again…El Roi, the God who sees me…was showing His love, omniscience and presence in a remarkable and real way.
What followed was a flurry of emails and Whats App messages of introductions and shared joy and awe at God’s loving kindness and provision. And as I went to work unpacking and repacking and getting my house in order for this precious family to come and live, I had a whole new purpose for being there for that quick trip I squeezed in between doctors appointments. I felt my house come to life…in the same way it does when I’m entertaining friends or hosting family, and in the same way I’ve always imagined it would if I had a family of my own. Rather than leaving an empty home, I was welcoming new friends to come and make it their own. I pictured them stringing up Christmas lights and baking Christmas cookies…which the pictures below prove has come true! I’ve always wanted my home to be a place where I could extend hospitality…as modeled by my parents to me. Hospitality is a spiritual gift, meant to uplift others, and we’re admonished that whatever our gifts are…to be generous with them! For after all… “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.’ James 1:17
God had me be back home at the exact moment I needed to be there, to make up beds and clear out closets, make up lists with WIFI passwords and security codes, and add welcoming touches that I couldn’t have done from afar. In additional to all the preparation, those days were spent in prayer as the situation in Haiti was rapidly deteriorating. Flights to the US were being cancelled and a fuel shortage was, amongst other things, threatening internet connectivity (hence all means of communication.) Kate and her family were trying desperately to make it to Florida safely, while her husband was (and still is) awaiting his visa so he could join them. I flew back up to Massachusetts on a Tuesday afternoon, and Kate and her kids landed in Tampa that same evening! And what a precious blessing they have been to me! Their faith has been both encouraging and admonishing…to keep my eyes fixed on our God, and not on our situation. Our Mountain Mover, our Great Provider. And in the true power of prayer…and what prayer warriors they are! I have been overwhelmed with their outpouring of love for me, their compassion and care as I underwent surgery, and the way they have delighted in my home and in my city. They send me pictures of my neighborhood as the decorations change for each season, of the Christmas tree in Vinoy Park, and the ice skating rink on St Pete Beach. Little things that make me feel like I’m back home. They love using my kitchen…something that of course makes me happy! And they delight in pictures of Spritz from afar (hence the Spritz birthday photo shoot I did for Esther!) And most importantly, they feel safe, they feel loved, they have reliable internet for school…the kids attending on Zoom, and Kate a teacher on Zoom. And they have seen God’s hand as their Good Shepherd in a very real way, and know that He hears and answers our prayers. I have come to love them all and this is a bond and friendship that will last our whole lives!
There’s an acute heaviness in our world lately. The problems around us are so big, I so easily feel helpless and like my prayers can’t even begin to make a difference. Or often when I do pray for our world, I feel deeply conflicted. How can I pray for a place like Haiti, for the 17 missionaries who have been held hostage for over a month now, for those desperately seeking a safe haven, fearing for their life, and then in the same moment pray for my struggles that seem so insignificant and trivial? I so often find myself praying for another person or situation, and then saying to God “if it has to me me or them, heal them God.” But this is God I’m talking to! The God who says, “Come to me, ALL of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29
In those moments when I feel insignificant, I think of all the examples of El Roi, the God who sees me…of how fearfully and wonderfully we are made. That God knows the number of hairs on our heads; He knows what’s going on in every fiber of our being. He created the whole world…whole universe…calls out the stars by name, and yet knows mine as well, and cares about the details of my life. And now forever I will think of this story of reciprocity…the story of our God who heard a prayer, prayed by a family in desperation, and who knew the silent prayer of my heart; who met the very real physical needs of this precious family, and yet who spoke to the cares of my heart during a trying season. A simple prayer for boldness…a prayer to be used by God and for a means to serve…was not only heard, but multiplied!
“I prayed to the Lord, and he answered me. He freed me from all my fears. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. For the angel of the Lord is a guard; he surrounds and defends all who fear him. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him!” Psalms 34:4-8 NLT
On this Giving Tuesday, I am giving to PEER Servants…towards a well in Kenya that will provide water to the Tuale Village. From PEER’s fundraising page…“Today the Tuale women have to walk 5 miles each way in a very hot climate to access river water that isn’t very clean. It takes the better part of a day to make the trip, and there’s risk of being raped along the way. This is far from the vision God has for the people of Tuale!” If you ever feel insignificant…like your prayers don’t matter, or that nothing you could ever do would have any significant impact…first of all, change that prayer into a prayer for BOLDNESS! Ask God to use you in a way that is significant. And then be prepared to ACT! A gift of $50 is enough to provide clean water to one woman from the Tuale village. Water for one woman who could then use her time more productively than walking 5 miles for water, and most importantly would be safe. How’s that for SIGNIFICANCE?
I recently wrote this poem…Hoping to make some light of the past year and ring in good cheer! And it ended up being published in the Tampa Bay Times this past Sunday. I hope it makes you laugh…just make sure you’re covering that with a mask😷🤣
A Very Covid-Free Christmas
Written and illustrated by Ashley Ondrick
Adapted from A Visit from St. Nicholas by Clement Clarke Moore
……………………………………………………………………………
‘Twas the night before Christmas, And all through the house not a creature was maskless, not even a mouse
The sourdough starter was being fed with care in hopes that the perfect loaf soon would be there
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, with visions of TikTok swirling in their heads
And Momma at her computer, reviewing our earnings,
While I tried to swallowed another year of virtual learning,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my zoom call to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
First putting on pants, even tying the sash
The outside world looked oh so enticing, after nine months of quarantine had been nothing but dicey
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight socially distanced rein-deer,
With a white-bearded driver dressed in full PPE,
I knew in a moment that he must be Covid-free
They posed for a selfie holding their phone with a stick,
This quarantine pod had grown pretty thick
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on, Cupid! on, Donner and Blitzen!
Wash your hooves, scrub them well,
Now wash away! Wash away! Wash away all!”
Sparkling clean and brimming with gear,
They jetted up the rooftop to ring in good cheer
The sleigh was filled with Clorox wipes and paper towels,
Sanitizer, toilet paper and all-purpose flour!
Then old Saint Nick, not wasting any time, shouted, “Gotta make this quick,
I’m also a driver for Amazon Prime!”
He sprang to his sleigh, gathering his crew,
And with one last spritz of Purel, away they all flew
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight—
“A very Covid-free Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
The words of this carol have been going through my mind ever since hearing it for the first time this Christmas season. How they ring true in a whole new way this year!!
A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn
These words, written about a time over 2,000 years ago…sound like a news headline from today. A vaccine is here! Giving hope to this pandemic-ridden weary world that something is coming to save us. That families will soon be reunited and embraced, that sickness and death won’t be all around us, that fear and worry won’t consume us, that rest for our weary souls is near.
And yes…these are wonderful blessings to be restored. But really…in a few months or years…when the pandemic is a distant memory…won’t these things still be all around us? Death and disease, loneliness and emptiness, social injustice, broken homes, fear and worry, longing hearts and weary souls.
Romans 8:20 tells us, “Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay…for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering.”
Oh what a day that will be!!! I can’t even begin to imagine what it will feel like to have a body that works as my perfect creator intended. To know nothing other than joy and peace. To live in perfect harmony with ALL creation. And all of this…for eternity!
Long lay the world, in sin and error pining, ‘till He appeared, and the soul felt it’s worth
Christ came to this broken world to be our source of Hope…a confident trust in something we do not yet have. Something that no amount of earthly gain can ever match. Even the most perfect scenario here on earth…an economy at full steam, bank accounts brimming, families gathered together in good health…ultimately still leaves us with a longing for more…because this world is not our ultimate home. Our world is broken, it has been for a very long time, and we are all in need of a cure for our souls…we are all in need of a Savior. “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
As this year, and possibly soon this pandemic, come to a close, I challenge you to reflect on your spiritual state. Are you trying to find your worth in the things of this world? And has that left you searching for more? Good news…this is a season of Hope!
Lean into the miracle of Christmas. With that same expectancy and faith of a child, dare to believe. “And I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
Last June, I shared with you the need to raise $10,000 to build a girl’s dormitory at a tribal school in the Philippines…I place I lived for nearly a year, volunteering with an amazing Christ-centered microfinance organization called the Center for Community Transformation (CCT). I was truly humbled and in awe of your generosity and support, and am beyond excited to share this update with you! The school decided on using the funds to build a new classroom, turning an existing building into the dorm, and thanks to your generosity, the building is complete! The email below is from our CCT liaison, Ate Arlene, and just to clarify a term…”Kaibigans” is the Tagalog word for “friends” and these are men and women who used to live on the streets with no job or home, who CCT gave a place to live, formal training in hands-on skills, and then employed with meaningful work.
“Just like to send you an update of the special project fund we received from you – additional classroom for our Quezon Palawan Elementary School for Tribal Students.
We started the work last March and the construction continued in the midst of Corona Virus because the workers are there already in the mountain and we don’t want to waste time, and they also need to be productive as they cannot go back to Manila. The Kaibigans built the classroom. Supposedly we requested for one classroom but to maximize it, we have made it a bit bigger in size and will put a moving wall divider so we can serve 2 grade level and turn them to 2 classrooms This can also serve as a function hall where we can meet the students there for group activities.
When I saw these pictures sent over to me, I was overjoyed as I remember God’s goodness and faithfulness. I am reminded that He will continue to use people from different parts of the world to bless us and keep the ministry going in the midst of our present situation. The mothers and some students nearby who saw this were already excited to go to school in the coming months.
Thank you dear PEER Family for responding to our needs. Thank you for your unwavering support all these years. Thank you for your love and friendship. On behalf of CCT Group, Visions of Hope, Kaibigan Ministry and the students and teachers and whole community of Cacawitan Palawan, Maraming Salamat po!!! The Lord bless you a thousandfold. We will be sending you in the weeks to come once this is completed.”
Blessings,
Arlene
Walk for Economic Empowerment 2020
Next Saturday, June 6th, I will be joining my PEER Servants family from all over the globe in the Virtual Walk for Economic Empowerment, which has raised hundreds of thousands of dollars since inception in 2006…every penny going to empowering the materially poor through microfinance, education, and youth empowerment partner programs. In light of COVID-19, this year’s will be a Virtual Walk with 100% of the funds raised going to the global Coronavirus Response Fund.
I am walking for Team Philippines and our goal is to raise $10,000+ which will support CCT as they extend their services to the at-risk children in the Philippines. 100% of what we raise will go to CCT’s coronavirus response through humanitarian outreach to the materially poor children and families they serve along with payroll protection for their staff. If we are able to reach the $10,000 goal, a generous donor will provide a $5,000 match, bringing our total to $15,000+.
The construction of this school building is a first-hand example of what a huge difference $10,000 can make in the lives of the Filipinos within CCT’s reach…enabling them to be the first in their families to receive an education, and employing those who once lived on the streets and are now gainfully employed.
If you’d like to know more about the work that CCT is doing, or how the funds will be used, please ask! And I have many other blog posts that go in detail into the amazing work they do.
If you would like to support my team on our Walk for Economic Empowerment next Saturday, please click the link below. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Easter would not be complete without my family’s favorite rice pudding. And if you need a last minute desert…I bet you have all of the ingredients already on hand! And don’t limit this to only Easter…it is a perfectly acceptable breakfast, lunch, dessert, or snack. It’s even been known to count as dinner during the hustle of cooking all day before a holiday.
Growing up I had a Portuguese second Mom named Fatima and she made us rice pudding for every holiday, every time we came to visit or she babysat us, and sometimes for no reason at all. I remember going to her house and watching her stir a huge pot of steaming rice on the stove, and then adding milk, milk and more milk, sugar and then either fresh eggs or small packets of European pudding mix. She’d always end up making more than she anticipated, would run out of large dishes and then start pulling out every vessel she could find until every surface of her counter and table was filled with a bowl, cup or saucer of the creamy deliciousness. I was always allowed to eat as much as I wanted, but not until it was all carefully sprinkled with cinnamon. I watched in amazement as she would fill her left palm with a mound of cinnamon, then take a pinch between her right thumb and pointer finger and sprinkle perfect lines in a criss-cross pattern across the top of each dish. NOW it was ready to eat.
Even my mom who was very health conscious and rarely let us eat sweets loved Fatima’s rice pudding, and considered it its own food group…not cloyingly sweet or rich like a lot of rice puddings out there…the perfect snack for any time of day.
When Fatima and her family moved back to Portugal 10 years ago, it was up to me to keep my family’s bellies full of rice pudding. I never had a written recipe but after all those years of watching Fatima I felt (somewhat) confident in my ability to make a decent representation. I’ve had batches that are spot on and others that are less than stellar. But it always gets eaten, and without fail I always end up making more than I set out to make! I’ve realized it’s because you don’t need nearly as much rice as you’d think. Fatima always used long grain white rice but I prefer the slight chewiness of arborio. This is the only modification I’ve made, and as you start experimenting with it, I’m sure you’ll come up with modifications of your own. This is a really forgiving pudding and turns out best if you taste and adjust as you go along. It’s a really sensory experience…I love the way the rice smells as it’s steaming, the way I can see the milk change from watery and pale to thick and yellow, the way I run my finger along the back of the wooden spoon to see how thick it is, and the way it sets up in the pan.
The recipe below will fill roughly a 9″ x 13″ x 2″ glass pyrex dish, however it can easily be doubled or tripled. And in the true spirit of this pudding, I suggest you make a little bit more, fill whatever dishes you have, and then gather your family around with spoons in hand. But not until you sprinkle cinnamon over the top.
Recipe: Rice Pudding
Ingredients:
Makes a 9″ x 13″ x 2″ pan
1 c white rice, preferable arborio, but any white rice will do
2 c water
1/4 tsp sea salt
4 c whole or 2% milk
1/2 c granulated sugar (or more or less to taste)
1 egg yolk
Zest of 1/2 lemon, peeled into large strips (about 1/2″ x 2″)
1 tsp vanilla extract
Instructions:
In a large heavy-bottomed pot, combine rice, water and salt and bring to a boil over high heat. Put the lid on the pot, reduce to a low simmer and cook for 10-12 minutes or until all the water is absorbed.
Remove the lid, add the milk and lemon zest and simmer over medium heat until the rice is soft and the milk has thickened, about 15-20 minutes. The mixture should be slightly boiling but not at a rapid boil. Every few minutes, stir with a wooden spoon, scraping the bottom and sides to make sure the milk is not sticking and burning.
The rice is thick enough when it coats the spoon and you can draw a line in the pudding on the spoon with your finger (this is called “napante” in French btw, NOW you know everything and you’re welcome.) If it looks to you like there is a lot of rice and not enough pudding, simply add more milk, then simmer and reduce it.
When you’ve attained a good rice to pudding ratio, it’s time to add the sugar (adding it sooner would make the pudding more prone to burning.) Start by adding 1/3 of a cup. Stir until it’s dissolved, then give the pudding a taste. Keep in mind that chilling mutes flavors, so heir on the side of a little sweeter than you’d like your finished product to be. Continue adding sugar until it tastes spectacular, then remove the strips of lemon rind.
In a small bowl, wisk the egg yolk, then add about half a cup of hot pudding to the yolk and wisk until combined. Remove the pudding from the heat and sir the egg mixture into the pot of pudding. Return to the heat and cook for 1 minute more. Remove from the heat and stir in vanilla extract.
Give it one more taste, then pour it into your pan…or pans. Sprinkle cinnamon over the top immediately as the pudding starts to set up and form a skin which makes the cinnamon less sticky.
Let cool to room temperature and then refrigerate within 12 hours. It’s best eaten within this window, is also great cold, and even better when brought back to room temperature before serving. And according to my little brother, it’s even great eaten with your bare hands.
I got a free tree in the mail from The Arbor Day Foundation, and I finally planted it in my front yard. And as I was planting it, I started thinking…
What will our world look like when this tree has grown a foot? Will this pandemic still be ravaging our world? How many lives will have been lost? And how many miracles will have unfolded? How many days will we have spent in isolation? And how will we have grown through this trial? Will relationships be strengthened? Will we have learned new skills or started new hobbies? Will we have found new ways of giving to and serving others? Will we have stopped wasting time on frivolous things? Started taking for granted all we have instead of focusing on what we don’t? Will we seize every opportunity to hug those we love and be grateful for the company of friends instead of thinking of our never ending to-do lists? Will our faith be pushed to the brink but not shattered…tested only to be made stronger?
What about when this tree Is full-grown? What will our world look like then? Will we be more united as a nation? As a world? Will a vaccine have been found because great minds from all walks came together, putting aside political persuasion, race, gender & religion? Will we have elected a leader based on what is truly best for the well-being of the many, not the few? Will we have faced some fears head-on about the frailty of life and our own mortality? And come out with a deep trust in God’s sovereignty over it all and our need for a savior?
What kind of tree is it you ask? It’s a Crape Myrtle, I’m not sure what color yet…time will tell. However, if I had had my choice, the tree I would have planted would have been a lime…because nothing goes better with Corona!
I hope and pray that you are all fairing well during this time, and if there is anything you need, anything I can pray for, or any way I can be there for you, please let me know!
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