I was reading the passage about Peter’s denial with the backdrop of the triumphant entry on Palm Sunday, followed soon after by the crucifixion. I was struck by the highs and lows in this story. When we step into something we believe is Gods will and calling and everything goes right…it’s easy to praise and claim victory. But what about when things go downhill, don’t go as planned, or there keeps on being one hurdle after the next? My first thought is always…

“But God, I thought I was walking in your plan for me? Why is this happening?”

Imagine what was going through the minds of the disciples during this span of time we now call Holy Week. They left everything to follow Jesus because they believed without a doubt (except for Thomas) that he was the promised Messiah they had been waiting for…along with generations of ancestors before them. And they had to keep this life-altering news a secret for much of their ministry with their Rabbi. But now there was no holding back! Jesus was finally getting the praise he deserved, finally being exulted as King, the Son of God, the long awaited Messiah who would save his people from their oppression! I’m sure the disciples finally felt validation; that their sacrifices were about to pay off and it was only going to get better. Then, before all the palm branches had even been cleared from the streets, everything started to unravel. Exultation turned to dissent, shouts of praise turned to shouts for crucifixtion, starry-eyed belief turned to blurred rage and hatred, hopes and dreamed were trampled. We know the events that came next…assault after assault, betrayal after betrayal…but we also know the story doesn’t end there. Both the highs and the lows are part of Gods story, and an absolutely vital part in His plans for us…and His plan for redemption! What an excruciating sacrifice Jesus made so that we can look to the cross and know without a doubt there is absolutely nothing he cannot turn around and use for our good and his glory.

How grateful I am for that promise through my own highs and lows, and the past few weeks all the more. Last Friday I took an early morning flight to LA and spent an idyllic day in Venice. I had moments where my body felt ok and I made the most of every minute! I went into my favorite health food store and geeked out over all the new products, ate at an iconic farm to table restaurant and watched an amazing sunset over Santa Monica. I felt the most like myself I had felt in a long time. The next morning I went to the famous Santa Monica Farmers Market then headed down the coast to Laguna Beach. But my glimmer of feeling well was gone…I had pain in my whole spine and a crushing headache. On top of the physical pain, my heart hurt a whole lot. This is where my Dad had come for his cancer treatments, and even after almost 2 years my first thought was that I wanted to call him and chat💔

As much as I have tried to focus on all the symptoms that have improved since my last surgery and how far I have come, the truth is that the past few months I have had more and more days of crushing pain in my spine, headaches and a host of other symptoms…and I haven’t known why. Historically if I can’t figure out why something’s going on in my body I pretend it’s not there…which isn’t something I’d advise doing😆 It takes strength to keep on fighting day after day, and lately it has felt like my reserves are on empty. But one thing I have experienced more times that I can recount is that God sees us in our weakness and loves to show off his strength. The last 2 years of having 3 major spine surgeries, several outpatient procedures, caring for and then losing my dad and launching and then closing an integrative health clinic, I put treating my chronic health conditions onto the back burner. But it doesn’t mean that the symptoms also decided to take a hiatus. I went to California to start working with a true gem of a doctor who understands the complexities of what I am dealing with…chronic Lyme, MCAS, EDS, immune & autonomic dysfunction and how interconnected they all are. I told her that the surgeries I had were necessary, but enough of the surgeries already!! No more! I left feeling seen, validated, and with renewed hope and strength for the journey ahead.

I then flew to DC for 2 days of doctors appointments. My neurosurgeon said that a lot of my pain pattern fits the symptoms of TMJ dysfunction, even though the day before my TMJ doctor said he thought my pain was coming from my cervical spine🙈 My surgeon confirmed that the acute areas of pain in my neck that have been getting worse are focused over the 4 areas where the hardware is but I’m going to give that more time before even entertaining the idea of surgery to remove the hardware. My surgeon is also concerned that I’ve developed instability at the level above my lower fusion, as a lot of my radiating pain, dizziness and nausea has returned, so I’m getting a new dynamic c-spine MRI to see what’s going on there. And then another symptom that’s been persistent and really difficult is the pounding headache I get when I sit down. We went over some other symptoms, the fact that my low back pain has significantly worsened and the very low-lying conus of my spinal cord, and my surgeon has ordered another lumbar MRI to see if my spinal cord has re-tethered. That would mean another surgery to fix that. I left my appointment very grateful for my surgeons wisdom and compassion, for possible answers to my symptoms and that I’d had the strength to get through all we had to discuss. Then the reality of all we discussed set in. I knew when I started down this road of cervical fusions that it was likely I’d need even more in the future, but never thought it would be this soon…and this many!

My plan for the rest of my day in D.C. had been to go look at the cherry trees in full bloom, but my pain was too severe and I was so tired. I strolled around Georgetown instead, then took a scenic drive back to my air bnb while blasting all of the most encouraging praise songs on my playlist…one that has been refined by fire. I write because I need to remember. I save songs because they are a reminder. And driving through the DMV there were so many familiar sights that made me remember. Remember the times I left there in a wheelchair, the times I left there with miraculous healing. Left with crippling fear, left with unexplainable peace.

On the Sunday before I left for this trip my pastor preached on this very topic…how it is our responsibility to remember! That the miracles of the Lord are living realities and testimonies and how meditating on them restores their wonder and ability to shape our current thinking and action. And through our remembering, God always then renews us! Yes!! Two things he said really stuck in my mind because of how I’ve seen them in my own life…

“Once we see Gods hand in a situation it causes us to give thanks for things we never thought we’d give thanks for.”

“Gods ability to use broken things enables us to give thanks for broken things!”

Bill Johnson

The next morning I started the day as I always do…coffee and Jesus! My devotional was about when Jesus calms the stormy seas. The disciples freak out that they’re going to drown, while Jesus is peacefully asleep in the boat. They had just witnessed him feeding the 5,000 and yet they failed to remember his power and provision. This verse jumped out at me…“‘Who is this man?’ they asked each other. ‘When he gives a command, even the wind and waves obey him!’“ Luke 8:25

And I wrote this in my journal…

“I am so tired and weary but yet I have a sense of calm like that sea. This same Jesus who when he gives a command, even the wind and the waves obey him…cares about the details of my life. By that measure alone how could I not trust him with my future! And then when I remember all he has done, his faithfulness in EVERY season…how could I not trust him all the more!!”

I resolved right then and there that I would not be shaken. None of this news changes anything! God is right here by my side, like he’s been every step of the way and there is nothing he can’t use for good in my life. This is yet another opportunity to see even more of his love, his faithfulness, his provision, his strength and his hope.

Heading to the airport I had a little time to spare and stopped in Alexandria for a quick lunch in an unfamiliar area. Getting back in my car I was a little disappointed I hadn’t seen more cherry blossoms. I started humming this song ‘Worship You There’ and driving and all of a sudden, there in front of me was the Washington Monument and this beautiful little grove of cherry trees in full bloom! With tears in my eyes I parked my car and jumped out to look at them, and I could feel Gods presence so strongly in that moment, saying

“I see you my daughter, I see your pain and I see your resolve. I’m right here…take my guiding hand, you’re yoked with me. Keep choosing to remember, and I’ll keep reminding you I am right here!”🙌🤍🌸

“I’ve made up my mind

Even on my worst of days

No matter what I’m feeling

I’ll praise you anyway

My heart gets distracted

Pulled a million ways

But constant in my chaos

Is you will never change

So on the mountains where my joy is

Risin’ like the sun

In the valleys where there’s silence

And my dreams come undone

You’re still God you’ll lead me on

Through victories and despair

It doesn’t matter where you take me

I will worship you there

I will set my eyes

On everything you are

You’re forever faithful

Even when life falls apart

‘Cause You’re the God who writes my story

And looking back I find

You’re doing something perfect

In my best and worst of times

So on the mountains where my joy is

Risin’ like the sun

In the valleys where there’s silence

And my dreams come undone

You’re still God you’ll lead me on

Through victories and despair

It doesn’t matter where you take me

I will worship you there

You are good, good

When I’m whole and when I break

You are good, good

In the blessing and the pain

You are good, good

When You give and take away

You are good always

By the rivers where I’m resting

As healing waters flow

In the desert where I’m dying, ’cause I feel so alone

You’re still God you’ll lead me on

Through victories and despair

It doesn’t matter where you take me

I will worship you there”